Squid Game

No-one's making it out (of training) alive...

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

As I start this we have just beaten St Johnstone again and have hauled ourselves right back in the mix, not just for any European place, but for 3rd. It's mental to think of this happening for a number of reasons, firstly because we're not pleasing on the the eye. We're absolutely brutal if truth be told. Secondly, our budget is much lower than the teams up beside us and (from what I hear) is much lower than what most people think, below the majority of the Premier League in fact. We're still paying for the lavish spending of the previous regime with 'Heads Of...' everywhere, inflated players wages and 'Consultancy fees...' of such a frivolous nature you could swim in the gravy surrounding them (as borne out by the most recent accounts). We've done well to recover from the derby debacle and, more broadly, our largely poor form since the new year.

The manager and the players deserve huge credit though, because what they lack in quality on the ball, they make up for (in spades) in resilience, organisation and determination. If Jackie McNamara's Utd team in 2013 had what these guys have we'd have at least one additional trophy to our name.

It's not that it's been all bad since the new year either, it's more that we've never progressed beyond spells of good play in games and turned them into victories: 

-The second half away to Celtic (0-2) where we could have taken something having spent most of the second period camped in their half.

-The entire second half against Dundee in the cup where we'd have won comfortably on another day. 

-The 15 minutes after half time against Hibs (where our momentum was completely undone by VAR).

-The excellent first 35 minutes at home to SEVCO, where the game should gave been over (probably the most attack-minded we've been all season). 

It's something of a puzzler that our better, more pleasing on the eye performances (add in Motherwell away before Xmas) have all led to defeats whilst most of our wins tend to have involved eye-bleeding football, set-piece goals,  backs-to-the-wall defending and accusations of being 'lucky' and 'utter shite' from opposing fans (LOL, Hearts and St Mirren are particular sources of amusement). Handsome Jim appeared to have decided around December to start opening up a bit more in games (thinking we were safe perhaps?), maybe he was stung a bit by the criticism. However, allowing the Dundee derby to turn into a basketball game appears to have caused a major rethink and it's clear there's been a back-to-basics approach taken in the last three games. Three clean sheets and one goal victories has vindicated his earlier pragmatism. He's right, our current squad just has too many limitations, particularly in the attacking areas for us to go gung-ho against any team in this league. Our lack of a pacey striker and lack of quality in the wide areas are our big limitations and weren't addressed in January. Maybe I'm getting older, ten years ago I'd have been horrified to write this, let alone thinking the manager has got it spot-on.

As well as our much documented lack of pace and quality in the wide areas, our main problem still seems to be our inability (or reluctance) to play through midfield unless Ross Docherty is playing, and even then it's still an issue. I do have sympathy for Jim Goodwin in the sense that I don't think we've ever really had our strongest team out for more than game. At the same time, Ryan Strain's reluctance to pass the ball anywhere other than backwards makes playing out to the right back area a bit of a waste of time as well. It just means in possession we are very disjointed and our ability to build attacks very one-dimensional i.e. through Will Ferry (and tbh that outlet dried up months ago, probably since Kevin Holt left) or long up to Dalby, playing for second balls or set pieces. Our midfielders need to start being braver and showing for the ball much more, whilst our defenders (and goalkeeper) need to actually speed the fuck up a bit and stop letting opponents get back into shape and get their press organised before we start trying to build moves.

Lets just say it's lucky I never started writing this after the Dundee game mind you. Thing is, it would have been lost in amongst all the rest of the entirely justified fury. The first half was the worst United performance I have seen in a derby in my entire life. It was up there with the worst I've seen in any game actually. Think the Ross County game under Laszlo (when he got sacked), the Hearts game where Wee Jim lamped John Barnes, the Dunfermline away game last season (almost a year ago to the day in fact). It was remarkably similar to this game. Goodwin and the players looked like rabbits caught in the headlights. It was obvious that a. They were right up for it b. Our shape was wrong and clearly they hadn't lined up in the way we had expected c. Three of the back 4 were totally unfit. Just as in the Dunfermline game, there should have been changes in both shape and personnel after about 20 minutes. Manny should have been on for Ross Graham who could barely move and was getting out-jumped by a boy about a foot shorter than him. Fuck knows why Samuel Cleall-Harding wasn't even on the bench btw. Allan Campbell should have been hooked also. But then again, you'd have to find him first, he's so good at hiding on the park you'd think we'd re-signed Adam Barton. I mentioned organisation earlier, that's what made this game stick out so much (as the Dunfermline game the year before did), is how disorganised we looked. It's like the manager decided he fancied the week off in the run up and mentally just wasn't there on the day. He just stood there and watched Middleton and Trapanovski repeatedly not bothering to track back, costing us their two goals and god knows how many offside goals they got in the first half. Weird. 

That we were still in the game with a minute to go was criminal and an equaliser would have topped almost any victory over the Fun given how much they put into it, especially since Goodwin's subs resembled the sort of things I used to do at Ancrum Road at playtime in primary 7 circa 1989-90, chucking everyone up front with one boy staying back. Unfortunately, the last man volleying Simon Murray in the playground just before the bell goes is not quite the same as in a Premier League game. I didn't even get that much slagging off the bluenoses at work. Even they were in shock at how shambolic and shite we were. I'll go so far as to say we were worse in this one than Dundee were in either of the 6-2 games (complete with Walton channelling his best Shenk impression). Ach well.  

The thing is, Dundee's results have been pretty mixed since beating us, bar beating St Mirren to help us into the top six (LOLZ). Normal supporters would be furious at their team effectively cheating the fans and the club by busting a gut against United then downing tools against most other teams. But Dundee fans will be oblivious of how this has panned out. Anniversary dinners will already be getting organised for their win against us with Simon Murray lined up to do a Connor McGregor walk-on.

Sunday Sunday Get to Fuck

I knew it would be an issue, but I never expected it to be quite such a problem as it has this season; but Sunday games can get right to fuck.  There are loads of boys in and around Dundee who play Sunday boys football. My young lad is one of them. He's in under 17's and therefore plays in the 2pm slot. You're basically damned either way. If the games on Sky with a KO around noon then he gets to the 1st half of Utd's game (if it's a home game) then has a mad scramble to get to his game for the warm-up then you have to race there and usually miss their kick-off. But of course now you have these stupid fucking Premier Sports games at half past 2 which mean you miss the majority of the game. As a loving parent the young lad's games take priority every time.

What this has meant is I've not seen as much of United as I'd hoped. We've been away from home most of it at least but I really don't see how putting games on a Sunday encourages the next generation of players and fans. If the young lad progresses onto playing Junior I'll have a decision to make about whether to get a season ticket for United. I must admit, I've not renewed yet for me or him next season. Shelling out £615 with a 12% price increase for only 2/3 of the games does not seem like a good use of my money. I can't be the only one in this situation.

However, I watched the replay of the Ross County game on Monday doing the ironing (rock n' roll!) and managed to stay awake to see Vicko and Docherty strolling it. I also watched most of the Hearts game from a Celtic pub in Los Cristianos with bemused looks from Tims at me shouting at the tv at Declan Gallagher shelling the ball out of play for the umpteenth time. What was noticeable was David Babunski doing more in 5 minutes after coming on than Allan Campbell has done in about 6 games. Dalby's finish was absolute magic and Ross Docherty strolled it (again). Jack Walton also looked much more like it and kept us in the game first half with his assured performance. Sam Dalby's header was special, not just the finish but for making a pretty poor cross look good and sending the away end into raptures. 

It's not much of an away support at Tynecastle mind you, it's more like 20% fans and 80% tarpaulin because, err, you know, errrr... reasons. Sadly this phenomenon is becoming more common in the Premier League where clubs like Hearts, Aberdeen and of course SEVCO who's solution to the morons in their support who want to chuck stuff at away fans is to cut the away allocation rather than get the police and stewards to actually do their job. When you add in Motherwell and Kilmarnock's insistence on putting away fans up in the top tier of their away stands and leave the bottom tier empty and St Mirren still only selling paper tickets it just makes Scottish games look ridiculous at a time when the crowds have been going up and atmospheres have been improving. Why are Scottish clubs so determined to stop away fans attending? I can only think it is next-level pettiness. Ironically, United, decided against either cutting or moving Aberdeen's allocation for the last game of the season despite the fact it would have been entirely justified, to reduce the chances of them chucking stuff at Jim Goodwin.

On the subject of next-level pettiness, and I'm about to contradict myself here but United have got in on the act in spectacular style. £40-£42 for Celtic to watch us is pretty funny. It might be poetic justice given how much we have to pay for the 'privilege' of not watching the game from behind a massive thick pillar: £37? They'll complain like fuck about it but lets be honest, most of the cunts either generate and print fake tickets, or force their way through the turnstiles en-masse without tickets so it'll make no difference, or benefit United anyway. My worry is the cunts will just hike their prices even more for Celtic Park next season and our fans will be the ones who suffer in the end. IMHO a standard pricing structure should be agreed and used across the Premier League, as should a standard minimum percentage of away fans which can either be increased or decreased based on demand and at the request of the home club. This is just a pipe dream in Scottish football mind you. Common sense will never catch on.

So, we now stand on the cusp of a European place, in fact, we could lose all our games and if results go our way in the league (i.e. St Mirren lose 3 games and Celtic or Aberdeen win the Scottish Cup) and we'll still finish 5th and qualify for the Conference League. Alternatively, if we do the business and finish 4th or 3rd we can expect group stage football if Celtic win the Scottish Cup. Mark Ogren will be rubbing his hands together as he gets a big chunk of the money he invested/lost/poured down the drain back, creators of United's 'random' ticket ballot will be be rubbing their hands together at the opportunity to show all the different ways to guarantee the Fed tickets for the European away games, the barmaids of Arie Amsterdam will be rubbing something else together at the prospect of the boys returning, and of course suitcase manufacturers and travel insurance companies will be rubbing their hands together at the prospect of me and the young lad going on an away trip for any length of time.

But then how we get on in the post-split games really depends on how our squad holds up fitness wise. Can we avoid injuries? Will we get lucky?  I'm not a betting man, but I'd guess that the smart money suggests the answer to this is an emphatic NO. Why? How about because we seem to have more injuries than any other team in the country? Or that, virtually every injury we get seems to happen on the training ground rather than in games? That our best and most important player #CAN't seem to stay fit for any length of time? I hope to fuck he proves me wrong because the stats don't lie. When he plays, we win football matches. 

As long as this load of nonsense below is just that. But, you sometimes have to wonder what goes on in St Andrews. It does feel like they are put through a daily episode of Squid Game...

Squid Game Part 1: Lemmings

Sorry gaffer, am I disturbing you?

No not at all son. I'm just off a Teams call with Big Ange. You're the season-ticket holder who demanded the club honour the offer to attend training aren't you?

Aye that's me. You were talking to Big Ange??? As in Big Ange, Big Ange? Tottenham? Jumper?? Mate???

The very man. It's part of our link up. We've been sharing training drills this season. Impressive eh?

Err.... very. Well, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. 

What's on your mind?

We seem to be picking up an awful lot of training ground injuries. I'm worried it could derail a really good season.

Our lads are putting their bodies on the line for the cause in games and at training, that's all. It's to be admired.

Well, I can't argue with that, their attitude has been spot on most weeks this season, but...

But???

It feels like we're getting too many needless injuries, and too many of them are similar. Have you looked at what they are doing at training? Is that contributing to these injuries? Also what's going on in the physio's room? It's like a revolving door with some players.

Doc, Sibbs and Moult have missed more games than they've played. Gall and Graham keep breaking down every few months too. Now Vicko and Luca are fucked. And your not telling me Ferry was fit in the Derby? 

I took the advice of the staff on that one. They've got an analytics programme you see. It sets the fitness routines and tells you if the players are fit enough to play.

What's the software called gaffer?

Err, it's an acronym I think...

Leading

Energy

Management

Motivation

Information 

Nutrition

Gaming

Sharpness

It was devised in Dundee actually in the 1990s you know, I'm surprised you've never heard of it.

Lemmings????????

Aye, that's it. The idea is the players all have a specific job to do at training. Some of them really have to sacrifice themselves for the team. I've not seen much of it myself, I've been working on recruitment now that our Head of Recruitment has moved to Blackburn. 

....pissed off before he's held to account more like...

You should pop over to St Andrews and watch training to see it for yourself. I'll join you at the end of the day. We've actually got Ronny Costello doing some MC'ing at the training today. It's for a new routine called Squad Game or something, they need a tannoy announcement for it, but apparently it keeps the players so sharp that it's like their lives depend on it. Ange has been using it down at Spurs you know.

Haven't Spurs had even worse injuries than us this season? 

Aye but Ange says he's not sure why. He thinks it's the press's fault because they keep asking him awkward questions.

Hmmph... Nothing to do with running the legs off a small squad every day then forcing boys to play through the pain barrier until they break down? We've used the second fewest number of players this season in the league, reflective of our small squad and our youths either going out on loan or being sold to Norwich.

What was that son???

Nothing gaffer, I'm off to St Andrews. See you later.

Remember to submit you expenses claim. The Chairman is tightening the belt. You have to pay 12% of the cost yourself unfortunately.

...Bit like the season tickets then...

Part 2: Cannon Fodder

It's a grey day in St Andrews as a car pulls into the university.

Watch out for that rivet!!!!

Christ. Where did that come from?

From the training ground.

What? Why are there rivets flying round at the training ground? Someone could get hurt.

It helps the lads with their flexibility and mobility. Since people have been moaning about a lack of pace in the team. It's one of our new Squid Game drills.

What happens if you get hit by one?

You have to do a forfeit. One hit is a run to the first tee on the Old Course and back. Two hits is a run to the Fairmont golf course. Three is a run to the course at Strathkinness.

I don't know where to start with this. Is it sore when you get hit? Aren't they all fucking knackered if they have to run miles to golf courses and back? Can they not use other methods to get them speeded up? Pretty sure the bleep test has been around for about 35 years. Why are they training for dodgeball instead of football? Who's idea was this?

Jack Walton loves it. He keeps punching the rivets to stop the other lads getting hit even though he's supposed to catch them. 

Much like on Saturday then.

He's not the quickest at doing the runs though. Most days he's gone for 4-5 hours. Not sure what he does in that time. We think he's got a bit of a handicap.

Doubt he'll have one much longer if he's getting 18 holes in every day.

Luca got hit a few months ago right in the midriff. He's such a trooper though. Took it like a man.

Wait a minute! He's got a fucking double hernia!

Yeah, he's a huge loss, but what can you do? We did get him to sign a non-disclosure agreement before he went back to Liverpool. Don't want to be giving away our training ground secrets.

Yeah, I can see now why they missed out on the Champions League. Not dodging rivets and running round playing golf all day clearly cost them.

That's not the only thing we do in training though. We gave the lads a bit of a say in what they wanted to do and they said they wanted to do some drills like the games on Gladiators.

Ah ok, that sounds a bit better.

We promised the lads that they'll get a visit from the Gladiator of their choice at the end of the season if they get into Europe. They had a vote.

Let me guess, a landslide victory for thon Sabre? OOOFT. You'll need to let me know when she's coming. That's what you call motivation.

Err yes, unfortunately the Chairman wouldn't pay for Sabre to come so we got Viper instead. He's been already and he ended up having a square go with Declan Gallagher. He may never recover.

Who? Gall??? Oh FFS.

No, Viper. Gall was incredible with the Pugil Stick.

I'm actually afraid to ask but what other Gladiators games did they do?

We do 'the Wall'. We had Lewis Fiorini on that about 6 weeks ago. Unfortunately, he got stuck.

Where was it like? 

Oh, on the cliffs at St Andrews Bay.

What! Did he fall off?

No, he just got stuck but was rescued by the lassies at the Toastie Shack. They thought he was trying to sneak into the country and was traumatised so they gave him a job there. It's been a win-win, they're covering the bit of his salary that we were supposed to pay.

Anyway, lets take you on a tour of the training. I think you'll like how we've tailored the training to best suit players needs.

A group of players are sitting on a bench.

Oh there's Lewis O'Donnell, Miller Thomson, Adam Carnwarth and Meshack. Do they have a special programme devised in conjunction with their loan clubs?

Yes, very astute of you to notice! They're hard at work at it now.

Hard at work doing what? They're just sitting on a bench. And Meshack is rocking backwards and forwards. Wait! Is that tears running down his face?

Exactly, that's what we do to get them in prime condition for a Saturday. They do it for three hours a day, five days a week you know.

Please tell me this is a dream and I'm about to wake up.

It's their loan clubs you want to speak to. They're taking the absolute piss out of these boys.

Hard to argue with that I suppose. Good to see David Babunski over there. Glad to see him getting a bit of game time recently. The team could do with a bit more guile in it. He seemed to just disappear after the Aberdeen game at Christmas didn't he???

Err, yes. You see, he got a bit wide with the gaffer. Questioning how we were not playing to his strengths so the boss sent him on a lengthy run to Tentsmuir Woods. The laddie got lost. We thought he'd have a better sense of direction from running through Las Ramblas. It turns out he's been living rough for a few months until the forest ranger found him. The police questioned us but we just said he liked going nude badger watching.

I'm struggling to process this. What are the rest of the squad doing actually? They're all lying down on the ground.

They're practising for the Celtic game I think.

Well not all of them. Paton seems to be working with the goalkeepers. He's just passing the ball back to them. And where's Allan Campbell?

I don't know actually, Allan's never been hit in any of the Squid Games. He's the top man. No-one can ever find him. Ryan Strain is over there too.

"Closer each day... Home and away...."

What's he doing?

We used hypnosis on Ryan. If we play the theme tune to Neighbours, he passes the ball backwards. If we play the theme to Home and Away, he passes the ball forwards.

How's it been going?

..."We don't need another hero..."

Oh fuck. Turn that off before he kicks off again!

Mad Max?

Yeah, it's an Aussie themes CD. We tried that song during the last international break and he went on a rampage. It must hard-wired into Aussies. He caused most of the injuries.

Bloody hell. And where's Doc?

Doc's currently up at Ninewells.

Oh fuck, not again.

We've donated his body to medical research.

THE DOC's DEAD?????????????

Calm down, he's not dead, they've got every doctor, specialist and medical student in NHS Tayside studying him trying to work out how to get him fit. They reckon it's something our physio is doing or something in the training.

A whistle blows suddenly. 'Right lads, MURDERBALL!!!!!'

Is that Ronny Costello on the tannoy???? Murderball??? We used to play that at the BB. Bairns used to run home greeting after getting volleyed and rapped in the puss at Murderball.

The scene is horrific. The players start smashing into each other. Ross Graham tries to sprint away but is volleyed in the groin. Vicko Sevelj is downed by a stray cross from Glenn Middleton. Trapanovski tries to use his left foot, trips and falls head first into jaggy nettles. Louis Moult's legs just appear to give up on him, under no pressure. Declan Gallagher clobbers one of the youth players with ginger hair thinking he's Simon Murray and ends up injuring himself. Sam Dalby gets knocked out by a medicine ball chucked at him by Will Ferry who is training for his long throws. Rivets continue to rain down on the players.

I wish we kicked fuck out of the opposition the way we seem to kick fuck out of each other in training.

I think that's enough training for now. You asked me who's behind the training routines. Let's go and see him now.

Part Three: Injected With a Poison

No wonder we end up with more players injured after every cup weekend and international break. The training's like something out of fucking Braveheart.

Well yes, we've sub-contracted some of our physio work out to a firm in England to lighten the load for our lads in the treatment room.

Sounds sensible, whereabouts in England are they from?

It's a firm from Manchester.

Oooo, Strangeways here we come...

How did you know that?

How did I know what??

That the physio was from Strangeways? Some guess.

Chuckles... Too many years of listening to The Smiths I suppose. "Dalby in a coma, I know, I know, it's serious..."

Actually, you're wrong, it was Luca who was in a coma, after getting clattered in the Dundee game, but he came round eventually thanks to Harry's magic touch.

Harry? Who's Harry?

Harry's the boy who's up doing physio work for us. He gets released one week every month to come up here. Nice older guy. The older staff all like him. Fran in the club shop thinks he's a medical marvel.

Harry? From Strangeways? On monthly leave????? You're taking the piss. No wonder we can't get anyone fit!

What's his surname like? Shipman???? 😆😆😆😆

Errrr...... Yes?????? He sets the training as well.

Is that Will Ferry screaming in the treatment room??????

Send in the next one!!!!!

Fucking hell. The players are dying on their feet. There's a serial killer on the loose. This is making me ill. Stop fucking pushing me into that room!!!!!

I heard you saying you were feeling ill. I have just the potion for you...

Now sing along with me:

"Oh Peter Tobin's a Dee..."

"But he's not working for free..."

"Causing bad injuries..."

THE END.