Give us your feckin money

Season 2022-23 Post Script

We were brilliant against Alkmaar at home.

I got pished in Holland.

Some cunt stole my case.

Every cunt played through us with ease because we had no defensive midfielder and no pace at the back.

We got pumped 7-0 in Holland then 9-0 against Celtic but Ryan Edwards says the players never downed tools.

The goalkeeper looks horrendous: incapable of even making bread and butter saves. The defence look petrified. The quickest he moves is to like a Joe Hart Instagram post after the 9-0 game. Although it's the other horrendous goalkeeper who is in goal for the ultimate humiliation.

Imagine what would have happened if they players hadn't tried as hard as they did against Celtic?

The club (aka Tony and Ogren) decided to side with the hard-working players and chose to empty Jack Ross despite my wife thinking his suit jacket and chino shorts combination looked magnificent (which it did). They also scoffed at suggestions that we were still at least two players short in our recruitment. The first of several smug, "We know better than all of you," pieces emerged in the press.

Liam Fox (who had no part in the hammerings over the previous months unless you count putting out the cones incorrectly) gets the job after an extensive worldwide search.

The players start working a wee bit harder, but not quite as hard as that bad Jack Ross asked them to work. Importantly, Charlie and Tony get to pick their days off. Any similarities to Celtic European games are entirely deliberate. HH.

We win a couple of games after revolutionary managerial decisions like dropping Ian Harkes. Why didn't anyone else think of that???? Idiots like me think we'll be fine. The other goalkeeper actually makes a lot of good saves in these games but it is abundantly clear that he's like that boy in your team who fancies himself as a keeper and can throw himself about all day but has no interest in the technical aspects of goalkeeping like positioning, coming for crosses, talking to his defence or distribution. The defence look petrified but not as petrified as they did with the Australian.

Liam Smith passes the ball backwards a lot.

Our mini-revival quickly grounds to a halt. We're not getting pumped but not offering anything much in an attacking sense either. For some reason the Finnish goalkeeper who can make some saves but is shite at everything else is made the scapegoat for this and the Australian keeper is brought back. You know: the one who doesn't make ANY saves and is shite at everything else as well. He immediately flogs the goal in the Motherwell game where VAR reduces us to 10 men so the ref's can get their own back on Tony Watt for all his diving and moaning. We put in an utterly insipid performance at Pittodrie where our strikers achieve the impossible of making Anthony Stewart look good.

World Cup break comes, we appear to start back training later than everyone else, then arrange two friendlies one of which, against Ayr is quickly cancelled when someone at the club realises that Ayr will most probably pump us.

Oh and in amongst this we have a transfer window. Probably the most vital one in years since it's a chance to plug the obvious gaps of recruiting a keeper who is better than Billy Casper in Kes, a centre half who can run faster than my 89 year old gran, a centre midfielder who can get about the pitch and put a tackle in more effectively than Djoum (HAHAHAHAHAHA). In another season of firsts though what we got instead was a transfer window that was on a par with the Billy Dodds, Armstrong/GMS debacles complete with a set of interviews which went way beyond Stephen Thompson and Jackie McNamara trying to bullshit us that these transfers needed to happen and we'd still be ok. Instead Fox, Asghar and Ogren chose to sneer at the support about how we'd still get top 6, didn't need to worry about being left with one experienced striker because there was none out there (apart from the boys Killie and Ross County signed), were guilty of targeting boys that we couldn't afford (!) and how the squad was extremely strong and although we were NEVER going to get relegated, it wouldn't be any big deal since we'd come straight back up, despite Ogren simultaneously pulling the plug financially and that he didn't know what we were all moaning about because Tony was, "his man". GO UNITED! I can honestly say this was the angriest I have ever been as a United supporter. The excuse of naivety on Ogren's part just isn't cutting it anymore. This was his Gerald Ratner moment and he needs to go.

However, after being cheated by Shankland we actually win another couple either side of defence vs attack training exercises against the arse cheeks. In most games we look knackered after an hour.

A bunch of students rock up to Tannadice. Their supporters provide an adequate excuse for kneecapping. United show absolutely no attacking ambition whatsoever. Liam Fox's tries to divert attention from tedium of watching the team by being even more boring in his interviews.

The rot really sets in with the keeper now diving AWAY from shots, repeatedly being beaten by shots down the middle of his goal and coming for crosses that he's got no chance of getting near amongst other horror moments. This of course peaks with the St Johnstone game with him reacting to Mulgrew's needless back pass with all the reaction speed of Forrest Gump. That said, he moves pretty quickly off the park pretending to be injured. When previous brain farts of this magnitude have occurred by clowns like Gavin Gunning and Wato Kuate the club at least had the sense the empty the cunts. We drop him for one game. Defeats start to mount.

Asghar and Fox are finally emptied. As someone who has been on the sharp end of a 'robust' email from Tony for referring to him by a popular moniker I will instead take him up on his request to criticise when it was deserved and not get personal again. So here goes: he was responsible for putting together a squad that was simultaneously vastly overpaid and understrength. Playing Football Manager with other people's money, based on shite advice from a set of recruitment clowns who's main qualifications appear to have been watching Moneyball which isn't even an accurate reflection of that film since the Oakland A's squad was put together fairly cheaply with the main criteria being players who plugged gaps in their team and added value. Our recruitment criteria appeared to be anyone who had a sniff of an international cap. If Robbie Stockdale and Scott Dobbie were still playing today they would have been in with a chance of a gig with us. Oh and treating us all like absolute idiots with i) his claims that our youth policy was being rejuvenated by giving boys 5 minutes game time then trying to whore them about to English clubs (a puppy farm dressed up as a PR exercise) and ii) burying their heads in the sand when it became obvious 3 weeks into the season that our recruitment was completely lacking in certain areas and rather than admitting your mistakes, chose to mock people who raised concerns. It doesn't need to cost that much to build a decent mid-table squad in Scotland because the standard is fucking crap. You've spunked £15 million on a promotion and a relegation with a mediocre season and a flukey fourth place in between. I have no doubt this will be dressed up very differently on a CV. 

Takeovers, Craig Levein returning and other rumours float about but to everyone's horror, Jim Goodwin gets the job. Hot on the heels of his Aberdeen team getting humiliated by Darvel in the Scottish Cup and other heavy defeats against Hearts and Hibs, he seemed a bizarre and desperate choice unless we were thinking his experience of working with players who regularly downed tools was going to stand him in good stead for taking on our squad of 'winners'.

To our fans credit though, most were willing to give him a chance, which probably shows you how sick we were of Liam Fox. Goodwin's interviews were like a breath of fresh air compared to the monotone Fox and the false platitudes and corporate wankspeak of Tam Courts and Micky Mellon. His willingness to admit he got the starting line up wrong and quickly changing it against Livingston was almost revolutionary behaviour.

We play well against Aberdeen until Ryan Edwards decides it's time to try really hard: really hard to be shite that is. He succeeds and flogs three goals.  Against St Mirren it is worrying that despite us having a better shape, looking fitter and clearly working harder that we still struggle albeit they only get a draw thanks to another shocking VAR decision. It takes a few more weeks until we get a win.

We then go on a run getting three wins. Jim starts to win everyone over with his smooth talking, prompt subbies, use of a back four and bombing out of Ryan Edwards. We are actually managing this without Dylan Levitt too. Liam Smith is also injured which may or may not also have had an impact on our form. I even have a cracking day out at hospo at the Livingston game where our table wins the quiz with me getting the tie break question about Hamish McAlpine right (then meeting the great man) someone else in our group winning 2nd prize in the 50/50. All is well. Four points clear of 12th. In the pub after the hospo we map out our route in the post split games with me predicting 3 wins from 5 and maybe a draw potentially putting us in 8th place and dropping St Johnstone into the play-offs...

I'm not going to go over the next bit. Going to instead ask a few questions:

Did the players down tools or are they just really, really shite?????

Why did the manager feel the need to change from a back 4 to a back 5 for our biggest game of the season which hadn't worked for months in order to accommodate Ryan Edwards when he had Ross Graham sitting on the bench? Especially when he had basically binned Edwards after his first game?

Why didn't Goodwin go into the transfer market for a free agent goalkeeper and striker as soon as he took over? He had loads of free weeks to get players like that fit due to the way the fixtures worked out. You always knew at some point Birighitti would start throwing them in again (not that he ever stopped as such) and Steven Fletcher would get injured. If this was the result of the Chairman putting the blockers on Goodwin then fair enough (it wouldn't be a surprise), but if Goodwin decided not to pursue this avenue then you really have to start pointing fingers at his decision making.  Getting left with a 17 year old laddie as our only fit striker is just mental. Bear in mind that Sadat Anaku got an injury fairly early on in Goodwin's tenure so this scenario was always on the cards.

Do we keep stats of the number of times our defenders, particularly our full backs get caught sleeping at the back post as strikers run by them to score?

At least that's one thing that will be addressed in the new season...

https://twitter.com/spfl/status/1680868865184595969?t=Bhm5rWCJxLPeO6NB8yvvhw&s=19

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

Betfred Crap 2: The Viaplay Years

And so we come full circle. Back in the Championship with me bemoaning a shocking League Cup result against a lower league team.. But Saturday was even worse than the East Fife defeat which inspired this blog. 

We were promised the team would not be treating this like pre season and they would be ready and up for it. We were promised leaders and dig in the team that had been sorely lacking last season. We were told we had loads of good options in the wide areas and that with the addition of another striker, the manager was comfortable with the squad. We were told Tony Watt was working really hard and looking sharp.  

Of course as per usual, we come out flat as a pancake, bullied all over the park, no attempt to impose ourselves, no attempt to break the lines since all three midfielders just wanted to sit, the full backs don't seem to know when to go forwards and when to play it safe and so just continually play it safe so there's very little attempt to create overloads (we had a wee spell in the first half in the last 15-20 minutes and that's about it), and the quality of balls put in is just crap anyway. Watt was nowhere near match sharp (big difference from match fit although he probably wasn't that either) and kept taking poor touches when the ball was played into feet, then kept coming into midfield to try and create things because the midfielders weren't doing that job so was too often posted missing when we did get balls into the box. It's worth noting that they could have scored another couple but for our new keeper doing weird things like narrowing the angle to put the striker off and diving to save shots.

There's no attempt to shoot from distance, no change of pace to our play, no attempt to break the lines (until Mochrie came on). It's dull, boring, predictable as fuck and must be easy to play against. And do you know what? It's exactly the same shite we've been suffering for about the last 6-7 years. Who at the club is telling our players to play like this? I am getting seriously pissed off with players who just appear to be incapable of doing anything other than recreating training drills regardless of whether or not it is working. Has anyone ever heard of improvisation?

It got much more one-sided after half time because they were tiring and clearly had sussed out if they just sat in and held their shape we'd struggle to break them down. This is happening more and more often in the League Cup in Scotland even when teams like us on Saturday are putting out their 'full' team. If managers (not just Goodwin) cannot a. come up with a plan b. motivate players to hurt teams 2-3 leagues below them then they shouldn't be managing.

As the game wore on we continued to get the ball wide then about 15-20 yards from goal, our wide players would cut inside and try to play in a cross or pass it inside into a congested area. What happened to hitting the byeline and getting crosses in? All we ever do is cut inside or turn back. There was ample opportunities to double up on them too and play the ball to an overlapping full back. But it barely happened (bar the penalty). Of course we get to the couple of minutes when the game should have turned in our favour with first of all Tony Watt's chance which resembled Baddiel and Skinner attempting to recreate his Barcelona goal on a public park in slow motion, with their eyes covered, as he ran towards the corner flag rather than the goal. Then the penalty which was just grim viewing. Making a keeper who gave me optimism as I approach my 45th birthday that I'm still pretty fit and wearing well and could maybe yet make it as a professional footballer look good. Of course we hardly tested him.

Of course we're also now subject to the grim scene of fans and coaches ripping into one another at half time all captured and shared on social media whilst the rest of the football world pisses themselves laughing as we fucking implode as a club.

As far as the players go:

The keeper did well.

Not good enough:

Freeman &

McMann (these two are now probably past the point of no return. Both looked decent players initially too but United have fucking ruined them both as footballers)

Meekison (what happened to the laddie who made direct runs and tried to take men on when he first broke into the team?)

Middleton (trading on reputation alone, made some runs which weren't found by our piss poor defence and midfield though)

Chalmers (I'd start him lw on Tuesday but he is drinking in the the last chance saloon)

McLeod (I don't think he touched the ball. Little boy lost)

Bang average:

Denham (looked like a lost wee laddie at the start, outjumped/bullied repeatedly, although the goal itself is probably a foul, but it's Denham's fault for allowing the ball to bounce, did get better as the game went on though).

Grimshaw (Channelled his best Paul Paton/Grant Gillespie impression)

Docherty (that's being generous)

Holt (bullied early on too)

Watt (should not have started, clearly unfit)

Cudjoe (no end product)

Glass (looked good for 1st five minutes he was on then disappeared)

I'd give pass marks to Mochrie who clearly has something about him.

They boy Thomson summed our youth policy up at the end. Turned the boy brilliantly then tried to be a smart arse trying to be flashy with his finish. More interested in an Instagram reel than actually sticking the ball away. Bet he edits out the finish and puts up the turn though.

Of course in the lead up to Tuesday the main order of the day with the club has been cost-cutting and trying to extort as much money out of the fans as possible. This is not a new thing and has been a growing feature of the Ogren era. In the last 6 months though it seems to have went in a new direction which appears to be guilt-tripping fans into spending more and more dosh. If I hear the phrase 'the club is £15 million in debt' one more time I honestly will throw something. Last time I checked I wasn't responsible for putting the club into that much debt. I never asked for players to be paid 8 grand a week. I certainly never asked for crocks like Peter Pawlett to get 2 year contract extensions or diddys like Arnaud Djoum to be paid an alleged £3500 a week then get paid off with 2.5 years left on their contract. And that is only scratching the surface of what the club has been wasting it's money on if rumours are to be believed. No, my contribution to the clubs financial situation has been to buy shirt's for me and the young lad every year under Ogren, to buy season tickets, to attend nearly every home cup game, to buy 50/50s every week, to pay into the Foundation, to buy other club merchandise like t-shirts, tracksuits, water bottles, mugs (should have my own face on them), calendars, a DUTV subscription and hospitality. I'm 100% sure I'm not the only one who falls into this category. Ogren turning the funding taps off now is his prerogative but I certainly never asked him to spend the eye-watering amounts he has, we've not exactly bought success with it either, in fact I'd say the support has dug as deep as they could especially in these toughest of times. 

I'll be taking my rebate this season, unlike the Covid season. I'm certainly not buying a brick with my name on it. Although if the team and club don't start bucking up their ideas, punters might buy start buying bricks from B & Q but it'll not be to stick up in the tunnel, they'll get into Tannadice through the windows instead. What are the bricks going to say anyway? 

"Joe Bloggs...Fell asleep (watching us play out from the back)..."

"DUFC...Cashless since 2022..."

I appreciate United is a business, but bumping up the prices of the training gear and the strips in order to negate the financial hit of the rebate is as cynical as it can get. Not to mention the strips weren't even going to be included in the rebate until an outcry when the plans were allegedly leaked and basically won't be given that they are out today and the rebates won't be available until September or something. Folk are not fucking daft, at some point people are going to stop being taken for a ride and there will be a push-back.

Is Saturday the end of the world? No chance. Happy clappers can say, "There's him moaning again," but I am fucking desperate to see us turn things around in both the short and the long term. We've got three games left in the group and haven't kicked a ball in the Fundesliga yet. The players we've signed hopefully can show a bit more than they did on Saturday. Playing Grimshaw and Docherty together at Spartans was a mistake and left our midfield with no creativity. However, I think there will be games when we'll need to play them together (particularly away games in winter when it's a war of attrition). This is also the time for a few of the younger ones like Mochrie etc. to step up to the plate, because if they don't then they should be out the door by Christmas. We're also finally signing another striker by Tuesday. Hopefully one more after that (creative player essential). If we move on Behich, Mulgrew, Niskanen and Birighitti it might free up a bit of budget for another right back and maybe even a left back (unless Flynn Duffy gets a long overdue chance). I'm going on Tuesday, not many are which tells it's own story. But we are needing to see SOMETHING. A proper reaction, not just grinding out a win after 4000 passes across the back four. Movement, overloads, sharp passing, creativity, aggression and most importantly, shots on goal. If they don't start giving punters something to shout about, if we go 7 (seven) competitive games without a win, then it's not going to be anger the club is going to have to worry about. It's the next stage on which is the worst thing that can happen to a football club: apathy.

Anyway, give me something to shout about and I'll give ye my fecking money...