The Multiverse of Shedness

All is well in St Andrews. It's great being here, those doubters and haters with their dinosaur-era, short-sighted views on how a football club should be run are 20 miles up the road. Flicking through Saturdays programme, I am heartened to see that we won 1-0 against Killie in the Scottish Cup. 

"Trust the process." I say out loud.

WWWOOOOOOSSSSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Suddenly there's a blinding flash of light and I can't see for a minute. Slowly things start to clear and I realise I'm not in my office anymore. There's a mysterious figure in front of me.

"Who are you? What are you doing here???? You're not from Companies House are you?"

"I am The Watcher."

 "You look like Dick Donnelly."

"I am The Watcher."

"Na, you definitely look like Dick Donnelly."

"Aw right, I'm fucking Dick Donnelly then."

"I'm..."

"No names, I deal in actions, not people in the Multiverse."

"What the fuck is going on? What's happened to the office? IKEA just refurbished it."

"Yes I know they did, at considerable expense to the club too."

"I am here because your overuse of certain phrases have triggered a rift in time and space. It has threatened to destroy the Multiverse. The only way to seal it is to help you to see the correct way forward and the error of your ways."

"Pfft, what a load of shite."

"Oh I assure you, the Multiverse is real."

"No not that, you saying that I'm making errors. You're just like those clowns on Twitter. They've got an agenda. Trust the proce..." 

"NO!!!!! Aw fuck". 

WWWWWOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHH!!!!!

Suddenly, they disappear then reappear again, but this time they are not in the office, but at Tannadice Park.

"Right, lets cut to the chase, that phrase that starts with a 'T' and ends with an 's' is one of the phrases that's fucking things up, so don't fucking say it again. It's triggered a jump to another reality in the Multiverse. Your Earth is "Earth 1983". We've jumped to "Earth 1984". This one is just the same as your Earth but it runs 6 months ahead."

"Fantastic, I can show everyone how things were always going to work out the end. Did we make the top 6? Has the gaffer got the Chelsea job?"

 "You got relegated, it's the first day of the 23-24 Championship season."

"What's our team?"

"Brighitti, Smith (c), Mulgrew, McMann, Freeman, Harkes, Sibbald, Niskanen, Pawlett, McLeod, Middleton."

"Fantastic, that will romp the league, we've got a month to put young Rory into the shop window too before deadline day. How long until the game kicks off?"

"Actually, it's 4:40pm, there's 5 minutes left, most of the crowd have either left early because you've just been pumped 2-0 by Dunfermline, or simply never renewed their season tickets in the first place. They're also pissed off that it's now mid-August and you still haven't signed anyone."

"Rubbish, we had record season ticket sales last season. Our fans are fully invested and tru.."

"Don't fucking say it..."

"Sorry, got excited there. Anyway the pre-season will have been a great chance for Foxy to work on the players. It's great to see Smith and Harksey have stayed too. The club were working on bumper new contracts for them when you arrived actually  It's a testament to the pull of our club that no-one even contemplates trying to sign these guys, they know they've got no chance."

"Jesus Christ. You do realise that everyone else thinks they are utter shite and that's why no-one signed them, even as free agents? Smith has about the worst pass completion rate in Europe."

"We've tried to build a spirit at the club with these lads. They're good pros. Having the same core of players builds a spirit and an affinity with the club and the area. Surely that must count for something?"

"That's a fair argument, I'll give you that but there's a difference between continuity and complacency. In this reality you went down because too many players appeared complacent, with little or no competition for their places. All that the hierarchy wanted to do was blow smoke up their arses too, telling them they were too good to go down and talking about top 6 rather than admit their mistakes. Sound familiar?"

"No, not really, all our analysis points to us having better players who are meeting their KPI's. Our possession stats and XGs are miles ahead most weeks."

"Passing the ball across the back four about 600 times a game you mean? The opposition don't press you because they know eventually someone will just blooter it out the park. And the better teams just take the ball off your defenders if they really press them. Your team is full of boys who THINK they are footballers. And what the fuck are KPI's and XG's anyway? A load of made up shite that's what."

"But this is the right way to play. Pep says so. Tru.."

"Before you say it and blow something else up, let me take you to Earth 2010 to show you something."

The Watcher clicks his fingers and they disappear with a flash of light just as a crescendo of boos ring out with the final whistle of the game they just left.

"This is Earth 2010. It's a bit out there compared to your Earth. In this reality, Pep Guardiola never took over Barcelona and 4-2-3-1 never happened at the 2010 World Cup. The Dutch team of 2008 became the blueprint for teams instead of Spain."

"I remember them, they absolutely blew France and Italy away in the groups then got beat by a pretty pish Russia team in the knockout rounds. Why them? And why not Russia?"

"In this reality Russia was in turmoil because someone assassinated that cunt Putin so the Dutch went on to win the tournament."

"Wow. What's this got to do with United?"

"The point being the Dutch played a really attacking 4-4-2, not dissimilar to what United played under Levein and particularly Peter Houston. They were fast, direct but compact when they needed to be. Everyone knew their jobs and the players were a good mixture of young hungry players supplemented by real quality pros."

"Big deal. Bet they didn't have our data-driven model?"

"LOL. In this reality, Stephen Thompson signs Andy Webster on a permanent deal and holds on to Gomis, Conway, Prince, Dixon, bans players from visiting pubs in Bathgate and Clarks bakery at 2am. Within a few years they sign GMS, bring Johnny Russell through along with Gauld etc. With Rangers dead and Celtic shit under Deila, United do this..."

A clip appears of Jon Daly and Andy Webster lifting the Scottish Premiership trophy.

"Holy fuck, that's exactly what we're aiming to do at United."

"Is it buggery, you flog your young players as soon as they are old enough to shave. Your #OurAcademy is nothing more than a PR stunt. 'The Great White Hype', 'The Great Rock n' Roll Swindle'. You've convinced clubs that these players are top drawer by endlessly talking yourselves and your methods up. English clubs with more money than sense are falling for this spin and hoovering them up. Your own Head Coach doesn't rate them that much, otherwise they'd be starting games. The one's who are left don't get a game because they aren't rated either. For all the money the club and Supporters Foundation are throwing at all this, it's not actually benefitting the first team, which is what the fans want to see. You're running a puppy farm for English under 23 teams, not an academy."

"Rubbish. Some boys develop quicker than others, that's why we put them out on loan. And Rory is getting on weekly."

"Whilst you've been here the club have literally sold Rory to Fulham. He started 2 games, a couple of friendlies and 8 subby appearances, scoring no goals and you've flogged him already FFS."

"Fantastic news for the boy. You see, we're developing Champions League players..."

BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!

"That's another trigger word, one more and there's going to be a cataclysm..."

"Where are we now? That looks like the Invercarse Hotel." 

"I'm not sure. My time and space gps is malfunctioning and tbh I'm feeling a bit triggered myself."

"Do you need a safe space?"

"Fuck off. Where's that noise coming from?"

"It sounds like Ronny Costello..."

...WELCOME FELLOW ARABS TO THE FIFTEENTH ANNIVERSARY DINNER FOR THE LEAGUE CUP WINNING TEAM OF 2008. NOW PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR OUR MAN OF THE MATCH:

MR MARK KERR!!!!!!!!!  

...Thunderous applause and cheers...

"Holy fuck."

"I know. That game was a heartbreaker in your reality."

"No, not that, I've just noticed a sign saying it's a cash bar only. Fucking witchcraft. They'll be telling me next that Neighbours is still on tv."

"Is that your main takeaway from this???? Look at the players at that top table?????? Gomis, Dillon, Prince, Hunt, Conway. Players who were young and hungry as fuck when they were signed but still didn't cost the earth. Products of managers who did great scouting and could not only spot a player but, in Levein's case, had a plan for how they'd fit into the team. The team back then had balance, with decent players in all positions. Your team is a disjointed mess, that's why you are bottom of the league."

"I didn't hear anyone complaining about the signings we made at the start of the season. At considerable expense too. The Chairman can't keep shelling out." 

"True, but relegation will surely cost him and the club more than the wages for a few new players who could help you to stay up, and maybe move forward next season. The fans are frustrated because they can see there's about 3/4 of a decent team there. You brought some good players in with absolutely no plan for how to get the best out of them. Your two most creative players: Levitt and McGrath have both been played out of position all season. McGrath is stuck out wide when he should be playing in behind Fletcher whilst Levitt is stuck playing as a holding midfielder when he canna tackle a fish supper. He should be playing as a number 8 alongside a midfielder who can do the physical stuff and protects the defence. The laddie looks completely demoralised. Your defence was crying out for a centre half who has pace and can pass the ball, and not a raw laddie from Huddersfield who has been chucked into a relegation battle. Your two right backs are either hopelessly out of form or not good enough. And don't get me started on your goalkeepers. The club were warned about all of this after the St Mirren game in August, but just stuck their heads in the sand and continued to peddle the line that you didn't need any extra players."

"I think you'll find our recruitment is laser-focused."

"NO!!!!!!!!"

KKKKAAAAAAABBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!

They tumble uncontrollably through time and space, up and down, side to side. Infinite realities flash past. More and more explode as they pick up more and more speed. The Watcher frantically tries to slow their descent using his gps:

Earth 678...Andy Rolland becomes the oldest ever footballer to play professionally. Still volleying wingers at 55...

Earth 1991... Jim McLean lifts the Scottish Cup for the 6th time....

Earth 414...Manager Craig Levein lamps Mike McCurry in the puss after Ibrox....

Earth 2022..."NEIGHBOURS...."

Earth 1690... "To hunt the fen..."

"Do something!!!!!!!"

"I'm trying!"

Earth 1995... United drop into League One and are pumped by Bonnyrigg. Liam Fox saying we'll get back on the training ground and put it right. Bonnyrigg's wee stand can't accommodate United's backroom staff...

"We'll build back better....aaaaaaahhhhhhhh"

Earth Patru Şase Şapte.... Csaba Laszlo giving an hour long press conference before United's Midlands League clash with Tayport Juniors....

Earth 404... The SFA start publishing the league tables for academy teams...

"Nooooo....trust the process......"

BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!!

"FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK.... There's only two world's left, hang on I'm going to make a dive for one of them...."

....Earth 666..."Members of the press, welcome to Nou Campy. The home of Dundee Sports Revolution. Our new merged club bring the best of the city of Dundee and the first of a global football franchise which will eventually have clubs in United States, Argentina, Ghana and Australia. We're here with our new team captain, Cammy Kerr..." 

"Oh my god.... Please stop it. It can't be real. It can't be real.... Where's my club???? There's a crowd outside too. MAKE IT STOP. I WANT OUT..."

"It's not a crowd, it's a lynch mob..."

"No. Nooooooooo.........."

FLASH!!!!!!

I'm on my knee's with my head in my hands. I look up, we're back in the office at St Andrews. The Watcher is standing over me.

"Congratulations Tony, you made it back with your reality intact. Just. But I'm afraid you'll need to vacate. Liam Fox has been punted and Jim Goodwin is taking over."

"Tony? I'm not Tony. He did the sensible thing and stepped back in order to keep the club together."

"What? Who the fuck are you then? What are you doing in his office?"

"I sneaked in here to wish the hierarchy of the club my full support and to offer Foxy... sorry, Jim Goodwin my undying fidelity. I'm just a fan with no agenda. I'm United, Always."

"You're one of those fucking happy clappers!!! I've fucking wasted my time and you've fucking destroyed most of the Multiverse of Shedness parroting a load of bullshit phrases."

"It's really your fault. I did offer you my name..."

"I'll tell you something...

THUMP!!!!!!

"DON'T FUCKING OFFER ME THAT AGAIN!!!!!!"

The end.