They say in life you should never meet your
heroes because you’ll always be disappointed. In football this works
differently. You grow up with your heroes as players believing they can
do anything. Then one day, some of them return: as your manager, and then let
you down. In the case of Dundee United heroes, they let you down
spectacularly. Mixu Paatelainen was my hero as a kid. An absolute giant
of a man. My dad took me to see us play Aberdeen in a Scottish Cup replay
against Aberdeen in 1989 when Mixu scored a penalty in extra time in what ended
as a 1-1 draw. I was in awe of him. My old boy always used to talk him up
(because he was so good in the air as a player himself he loved seeing boys
that were good target men). Mixu visited Ancrum Road Primary when I was in
Primary 7 (in 1989 anyway) and it was like Beatlemania as we walked into school
and he was standing at the top of the stairs as we all walked in after dinner
time. He had a Pringle jumper on. I can still see it now. It was
awful. But he was my hero. Kids gasped that he’d came to our school.
Miserable bastard teachers told us we couldn’t go out to watch him hand out
prizes that afternoon. I was gutted. He was my hero. But he was a fucking
disaster as United manager. Ultimately, I absolve Mixu of most of the blame for
this season. It was the fault of Stephen Thompson and Jackie McNamara.
But the fact that Mixu was appointed in the first place just illustrates why
United fans christened this the start of the era known not as the Bipolar
Years, but as, “The Banter Years.”
Mixu’s first game was against Hearts and all I can remember from the game was John Souttar getting played at right back, us lumping the ball at every opportunity to an invisible big striker (because we didn’t have one, Robbie Muirhead had turned up overweight at pre-season training and been punted out on loan to Partick by Jackie because of his attitude, clearly a lot of research had gone into this signing otherwise why would you sell your two best players on deadline day???) and we tried the continental style of goal kicks where the centre halves move to either side of the box whilst the holding midfielder drops short in between them and the keeper plays it short to one of them every time. This revolutionary tactic worked at least…… once (?) before Hearts cottoned onto it and pressed us really high trying to force a mistake as we tried to play it out from the back. A few months later I saw Germany do this against England in a friendly and England were just taking the ball off the Germans at will and causing panic stations every time the Germans had a goal kick. Now if this is happening to Kroos, Hummels and Rudiger you can just imagine the how many hearts were in mouths when Mark Durnan, Ryan McGowan and Aaron Kuhl were trying to do this. At least Mixu realised it wasn’t working and changed tactics during the game… No? Ok then by the next game? No? After a few games of it not working then? No???? We did it for months and it led to heart palpitations each and every time it happened. However, whilst he was oblivious to his own shite tactics, it didn’t take Mixu long to notice (two weeks to be precise) what everyone else had been saying for over 6 months and to give him his due, Mixu when he let it be known that he’d seen it, he said it with considerable aplomb:
“It was rubbish with a capital R. You can set out your tactics and prepare for the match but if you don’t do the basic things right then everything goes into the rubbish bin.
We did not do the things we had to in order to eliminate the quality and movement of Celtic players.
They are good players and they will hurt you.
After that I’m not surprised Dundee United are bottom of the league as we don’t get the basic things right, it’s as simple as that.”
But he wasn’t finished there:
https://www.balls.ie/football/mixu-paatelainen-whats-the-point-in-training-313692
https://twitter.com/Fyviesque/status/1026178601560027136
You see, Jackie had built a team in his own image: a team of tippy-tappy young lads who had been bummed up into believing their own hype (the best 5-a-side team you’ll ever play against). They had gotten accustomed to Jackie’s (rumoured) lax training regime and because society has moved on require constant reassurance, nurturing, encouragement and molly-coddling. No punishment, no criticism, never take any responsibility besides putting empty ‘We go again’ posts on social media usually accompanied by a meme of their favourite X-Factor contestant talking about how their pal is seriously ill with the cold or something and how brave they are. Mixu saw this and seemingly reacted exactly like most of us would have and in true Wee Jim style he absolutely tore their wee popstar, molly-coddled, lazy fucking heads off both in the dressing room and on the training pitch. But it is a different generation these days. The true greats at United always say that when the wee man treated them like this, they would kick back by proving him wrong on the park. Young kids nowadays react by blaming everyone but themselves, demanding retribution and then downing tools. Mixu was 100% right in what he said about the players. But, he was 100% wrong to do it in the way he did (and when he did it). From reading umpteen books about Shaun Ryder, one thing they all said was that going from smack to crack, like he did when the Mondays had their infamous recording session in Barbados for the disastrous album ‘Yes, Please!’ is the most dangerous move you can make due to them having the polar opposite effects. United had gone from one extreme to the other and the likelihood was that his relationship with the dressing room never even got started, let alone recovered from this point. Mixu also clearly knew this. It is telling that interviews for months after were lavish in their praise for the players, how hard they were training and working in games and how unlucky they were regardless of how shite they actually were (and they were REALLY shite more often than not). If anything he should have tried to gradually bring down their egos/restore the fragile confidence (if that makes sense) in the early months until he’d had time to put something of his own thoughts and methods on the team, then, if they still weren’t responding come out and boot their arses. Instead, it was actually left to Stephen Thompson to publicly let rip at them before the Hearts game in February when it was clear that Mixu had lost the dressing room and we were getting cut adrift. Hindsight eh? It’s a wonderful thing. Mixu if anything, was initially guilty of playing to the gallery, because loads of fans (myself included) were desperate to see the likes of Fraser, Telfer, Souttar, Spittal, Donaldson and Connolly get torn a new one.
What were the key matches in this unstoppable train wreck then?
St Johnstone and Hamilton in November: Can’t score at one end, can’t keep them out at the other
The whole month of November was a disaster. The Hibs and Aberdeen games showed major flaws weren’t getting rectified. Aberdeen’s second goal where they pass through us from their own box and no United player gets within 10-15 yards of them before Hayes cracks in a screamer was bad enough. However, getting schooled by a Championship team (even if it is Hibs) should have set major alarm bells ringing. I never went but was told by folk who were there that it was 3 going on 6 or 7 nil. However, for me the moment it really hit home that we were not getting out of this came in the St Johnstone and then particularly the Hamilton game a couple of weeks later. In both games we played much better after a change of shape to a back three. In both games we scored cracking team goals and seemed to have found a formation (3-4-2-1) that appeared to be getting the best out of a number of players (Telfer and Spittal in particular playing in behind McKay were carving them open at will). However, we missed a barrowload of chances, mainly one on ones. Billy McKay, having scored poachers goals all his career before and since playing for United couldn’t hit a coo in the erse with a banjo in these two games. We were still playing out from the back (although playing a back 3 made this style at little less scary as did having Gavin Gunning there who, when he was not being a complete idiot, was much more competent with the ball at his feet than our other centre halves) however, in both games the tactic became less effective when we were pressed either at the back or in midfield. Of course, Mixu doggedly stuck to the plan and we started to invite more and more pressure. This is the point where a big target man would have probably got us out of the shit since it would have given us a) a plan B and given the attacking midfielders something to play off of and b) an out ball when we were under pressure. McKay simply could not hold the ball up and obviously, because of his size, couldn’t win headers. I’ll stick my neck out even further. We might have stayed up if we had a proper focal point in the team because the shape and style we played in these games was actually half decent. But we didn’t, and in the St Johnstone game, two moments of slackness let them get ahead before half-time and they just shut-up-shop thereafter. The Hamilton game meanwhile, was like a microcosm of that season. The second half was like a slow lingering death where you knew what was coming as we retreated deeper and deeper and after the equaliser you just knew what was coming. The fact it was an own goal by Gunning summed the whole fucking thing up. You’d have been as well just picking the ball up and walking off at that point (😉) since regardless of what was going to happen the rest of the season, good or bad, we were going to shoot ourselves in the foot anyway to make sure we had fucked it up good and proper. There are many people who believe that this was the moment when we succumbed to the inevitable. Had we won this game after playing well, taking our many chances and showing we’d learned our lessons from the previous week, the confidence boost might have lifted us, given that time was still on our side. Instead, two draws and two defeats followed in December. It is worth mentioning that for most of these games another big issue was the keeper (Szromnik) was horrific and wouldn’t get a game for Tayport Juniors. The best description of him I heard was ‘Spaghetti Arms’.
Dundee and Celtic: Wire coat hanger down the Japs eye
At least a new goalie had been lined up. In October. A Japanese international no less. Registration issues meant we’d have to wait for him though. Two and a half MONTHS later he lined up against Dundee for his debut. A total fucking shambles. He looked like he’d never had to deal with crosses before. So of course, he was well suited to playing in Scotland then. He looked like he’d never played in the pissing rain on the first of January. So of course, he was well suited to playing in Scotland then. He added to our foreign legion of out-of-contract players consisting firstly of 55 year old Guy Demel. You know when you get into your 30’s and 40’s and take the odd game of football and for the first 15 minutes you get the old feeling back and look the business then reality kicks in? That was big Guy. We also signed Forent Sinima Pongolle who in another life played for Liverpool. I say another life, because he was about as fit as your average corpse. Why on earth Mixu (and Thompson) thought these clowns would get us out of the shit really does boggle the mind. Especially given that it wasn’t the first time United had made the mistake of recruiting foreigners totally unsuited to a Scottish relegation battle before. It was the third time in my lifetime in fact. Think Golac signing Sergio and Ferreryi in 1995 (whilst Falkirk signed Mo Johnston and Stevie Kirk who kept then up). Think Alex Smith (well probably Wee Jim actually) signing all those Hondurans and Argentinians to try and keep up with the Funsters back in 2000. The boys Mixu signed didn’t come cheap either. You are not telling me that if we’d properly scouted (e.g. tapped up) Scottish players from as soon as Mixu was appointed then thrown them that kind of money (Jamie MacDonald as a keeper was out of favour at Killie at that time for starters) then we might have got some boys who could have hit the ground running and actually knew how to play in a relegation battle in Scotland. This all sounds a bit #HARDBREXIT but it’s not. Foreign players work best being eased into a winning or at least comfortable team in my opinion. Dropping boys into a battle completely alien to them is not fair on anyone. Although, I heard a rumour that Mixu had a list of Scottish/British targets about a mile long and by the time the window opened they had all doubled their asking prices because they knew we were fucked so maybe it’s not entirely Mixu’s fault that he ended up shopping in the football equivalent of the bargain aisle of the Fintry Hap.
Anyway, after meekly losing from a winning position to Dundee we beat Airdrie in the Scottish Cup then played Celtic in the league at home on a Friday night. They were no great shakes at this point but didn’t have to work hard for their 4-1 win with who else but Gunning slipping and falling on his arse to gift Griffiths the first goal (although it should have been pulled up for a clear offside just beforehand), then losing his man at a corner for a free header. We actually scored a goal after that which underlined how poor Celtic were given that Souttar and Murray just strolled through them with ease. We lost another shite goal on the break before the moment came that sent my blood pressure through the roof. Celtic had a corner which hit the first man allowing Scott Fraser to break, at this point we were actually outnumbering them. However, Fraser basically ran like he was towing a caravan to the point that Kris Commons who remember was (and still is) a wee fat barrel and slow as fuck managed to catch him and get a tackle in. As the ball breaks John Souttar loses out in what looked like a 70-30 challenge in his favour. Commons’ meanwhile, has actually sprinted into our box untracked. Why? Because Fraser has stopped, ruffled his hair put his hands on his hips then trotted back about 3-4 steps at ¼ pace if you are lucky to the point where he is still well outside our box. The ball gets played in and they score. During the Banter Years our support has taken a real pasting from ex-players, pundits and fans of other teams alike. Players who played in this game have been some of the more vocal. Now maybe I don’t understand the intricacies and parallels of modern football but perhaps it is not too much to ask that when you get tackled THAT YOU MAKE SOME SORT OF FUCKING EFFORT TO TRACK BACK??? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? AM I BEING UNREASONABLE????? It would appear that giving up was preferable. We really were in the shit because when the wee man and I drove up the road after this game all they spoke about on Sportsound was how shite we were. That NEVER happens when you are playing Celtic. It was Tom English and Pat Bonner too. English (who I like) hit the nail on the head: “They play football in the wrong areas. They have no quality up front. Their work rate is abysmal.” He also slated Scott Fraser for the 4th goal (to be honest the description above is virtually verbatim for what English said on the radio. I can still remember it and it still make me angry thinking about it and how spot on he was) and it was a mixture of anger and astonishment that a player could just down tools so easily like that. Something had to happen now. Something unprecedented.
It’s the hope that Killies you
My memory is a bit hazy, but it turns out having checked back that a players clear-the-air meeting was what galvanised them into the best performance of the season and (to be fair) one of our top 50 performances of the decade. For some reason I thought it was the Stephen Thompson statement but that came a few weeks later. In actual fact, late January until early April wasn’t that bad in terms of results with some good/battling performances thrown in and some decent wins and draws. I’m pretty sure Mixu even won a manager of the month award in February. The Killie game stood out because we changed things up slightly changing from 3-4-2-1 to 3-4-1-2 which gave McKay a bit of support from Simon Murray. We still lacked a physical presence up front but at least Murray was a pest and never stopped harassing defenders. We also got Ryan Dow and Paul Paton back who had been injured all season. Although neither was a world-beater they both were upgrades on what had been playing before and Paton could at least get stuck in a bit. For Dowser meanwhile, it was a big season (couldn’t resist sorry). If Ryan Dow could play against Dundee every week he’d be regarded in the same bracket as Lionel Messi. As an Arab, this is on the one hand pleasing and on the other hand maddening. However, both were excellent in this game as was Blair Spittal playing at right wing back following the departure of Ryan McGowan to China which, has still not been officially announced on the club website. Sean Dillon played a one-two with himself to score the 5th goal. We had hope. Killie had the fear. Gordon Sawers had a pie supper and a rant. United were back.
A few weeks later after a draw and a win in the cup we played Motherwell midweek. This was a chance to almost close the gap on Killie. Mixu thought the best way to do this would be to string three defensive midfielders across the park with nobody to link up to the strikers. An absolutely stinking performance made even worse by the sight of Jimmy Gomis strolling it for Motherwell led to Stephen Thompson letting rip. Funnily enough I thought that it was Mixu who had fucked us in the Motherwell game rather than the players with his negative team selection (shades of Butcher, Powers and Harkes in the same midfield, only worse). But anyway, this was clearly the sign that panic had well and truly set in in the boardroom. Only a year too late. Most United fans could have told him we looked relegation candidates when we lost to Dundee at Dens the season before or in the humping from ICT at the end of that season when the Fed called for McNamara to be punted. The statement read as:
“As Chairman of the Club, I would like apologise to all Dundee United supporters for the abysmal performance last night against Motherwell. The current position at the bottom of the Ladbrokes Premiership is wholly unacceptable. It is not where Dundee United should be under any circumstance.”
Thompson accepted that some of the decisions made at boardroom level had also been “incorrect”, adding: “The board and myself have made certain decisions in the last eighteen months which in hindsight were incorrect but were made for the greater good of the Club and with the ambition of maintaining our position at the top of Scottish football, something we have done successfully for the last eight years. This included supporting a playing squad that commands the third highest wage bill in the Ladbrokes Premiership.”
“However, we have failed miserably on the pitch with only three wins in 25 league matches and an early exit from the League Cup. Performances such as last night simply cannot be tolerated. The current playing squad now have thirteen matches to preserve the Club’s premiership status and redeem their own professional reputations.”
Partick Thistle: The first last stand
It's fair to say that the club were now a laughing-stock.
There was a response though, with a Paton screamer and a much more committed performance against Hearts. We even signed a big target man in Eddie Ofere. He was actually decent in the air and fancied himself a bit on the deck. He was also blowing out of his arse after 45 minutes and was not seen again until the split. Outstanding stuff. Truly outstanding.
Following a rare win away to St Johnstone playing with 10 men plus Callum Morris at left back we still retained a wee glimmer of hope heading towards the split. We, unlike Killie, only had games against teams in the bottom half of the league left to play (Partick Thistle, ICT and Hamilton) before the split, therefore it was still in our hands that we could hopefully have a go at teams who were safe and had nothing to play for. Nearly 2000 headed through to Firhill less than a week before about 7000 headed to Hampden for the Scottish Cup semi-final. Incredible backing from a group of people who had been kicked so many times that season. I was at both. The Partick game saw us change formation to a back 4 of Knoyle (who was decent) Morris Gunning and Dixon, with a diamond in midfield of Demel, Paton Dow and Rankin with Anier and McKay. TBH, this was, on paper at least, the strongest (and most balanced) side we put out that season. Despite dominating the first half territorially and having loads of chances (all missed by Dow) you could just write the script on this one. They started to get back into the game until, you’ve guessed it, we shot ourselves in the foot with Dixon getting done far too easily and a simple cut back letting them in. Mixu meanwhile decided to ignore about 2000 people all screaming for Simon Murray to get put on to give us some urgency and pace and put on Ofere who still looked totally unfit. After the game Brian and I bumped into Twitter legend Huntedbyafreak who said it straight. That was it. We had blown our chance after getting back into things with the St Johnstone win. He knew it. I knew it. He said it was all about winning the Scottish Cup now.
Brainfart Interlude
Sandwiched in between the Partick game and the cup semi was a home game against Inverness. We started with the same team again, were shite and were beaten comfortably. Then this happened:
https://www.eveningtelegraph.co.uk/2016/06/29/gavin-gunning-speaks-first-time-handball-incident-dundee-united/
In the incident itself Gunning said he had felt his knee and that a long-standing nerve problem had flared up again, told Mixu he needed to come off, Mixu ordered him back on so Gunning walked on and picked the ball up as soon as he came back on. He then got absolute dogs abuse from the punters as he walked down the track and responded by sarcastically clapping them. I just stood shaking my head and wondering what the fuck was going on at this football club given that just 6 years earlier we had won the Scottish Cup with a team that was the most well-drilled in the league and probably the best non-Old Firm team in Scotland since the millennium.
I wonder if one day Gavin Gunning will look back on his career and wonder what might have been. He partnered Shane Duffy at centre half for both Blackburn Rovers and the Republic of Ireland at various youth levels and was really highly rated. You’d have to imagine that because Gunning was left-footed that he probably stood the greater chance of progressing further in the game. Duffy is now playing in the Premiership and in full internationals whilst Gunning is playing for Solihull Motors. His knee problem is rumoured to have originated from an attempt to sneak through the backies in Tofthill, Lochee through a closie so he could sneak into the bookies undetected to avoid spies that Jackie McNamara had put in place, concerned about Gunnings serious liking for betting on the Gee-Gees. Gunning seemingly jumped over a fence into what he believed was the next door’s back garden, however, the owner of the property had dug a huge hole which Gunning had unavoidably fallen into, nuking his knee. The next time he was seen again at Tannadice was playing for Morton against us in the Championship where of course he absolutely strolled it as Morton beat the Cszambles XI comfortably. Another Banter Years classic.
Hampden Horror Show
A shite cup semi-final defeat followed where we should have won the game comfortably following the shocking revelation that Callum Morris was not a left back after all. We dominated from about 30 minutes onwards after Morris was substituted. Hibs were out on their feet in extra time. Billy McKay missed about 100 one-on-ones with a big fat cunt in the goal. Coll Donaldson demanded to get subbied when there was fuck all really wrong with him and had a shouting match with Mixu who was telling him to get back on (deja vu from the previous week). Simon Murray didn’t get stripped because Mixu preferred Pongolle (the game was crying out for Murray too) so just left and went home on one of the supporters buses leaving the club hanging around wondering where he had gone after the game, Paul Paton had a shouting match with punters in the stand at the end whilst a now fit and healthy Coll Donaldson was high-fiving the Hibs players after the penalty shoot-out and United fans were fighting amongst themselves after the game in the car park.
It is incredible to think that this was not actually the lowest point of the season yet.
Hamilton: The Real Ending
This was the point I gave up. No miracle, no fluke, no collapse by Killie was saving us because regardless of the fact it was still mathematically possible with the split and Killie still to play, we were beyond saving. I should have known this wasn’t happening given that I had planned to have a couple of pints before and after the game so was getting the bus instead of taking the car. The bus never actually turned up so we ended up having to walk back home to pick up the car instead, only to pass the bus, now a full 40 minutes late coming out of the next junction on the dual carriageway. Due to this, we barely made the kick-off, let alone the pub. I wonder if Stephen Thompson and Mixu had been allowed to run the bus service that day as well as the club because both were a fucking shambles. Guy Demel and Paul Dixon, both of whom had played well after coming on as substitutes in the semi-final started. Demel in particular had strolled it at centre half. Both of course were diabolical in the Hamilton game. And this was probably the thing which stood out in this season; the way players would look decent for one or two games, people would then think that that player had ‘cracked it’ so to speak and put in some consistent performances but instead they would proceed to play shite for the next 3-4 games only to be replaced by someone else who would repeat the same cycle. Ultimately this is what done us, inconsistency and a lack of genuine quality. The younger ones like Spittal and Donaldson were capable of looking decent for a couple of games but would then look pish and completely ineffectual for the next 6. Boys like Demel, Dixon (Mk2) and Dillon were past-it whilst ones like Rankin, Dow and Paton simply weren’t good enough to carry a team by themselves without the quality that had surrounded them in previous seasons. This is the difference between them and boys we had playing for us over the early part of Bipolar Years: the Robertson’s, Armstrongs, the GMS’s, the Daly’s, the Goodwillie’s and the Russell’s, Sean Dillon and Paul Dixon (Mrk 1) etc.. They would put in 6-7 good performances then have 1 or 2 off-days. Why? because they had quality, a work-ethic and professionalism whilst the players Jackie had brought in to replace them were frankly: shite, popstars, finished or crocked. I said to Alex after their third goal went in, “Let’s go, I can’t take this anymore. We’ll not be going to Dens either.” But of course, to cap a truly shite day, as we were walking along Dundonald Street the wee man realised he’d left his hat at the game. Cue tears and us having to walk back to Tannadice and funny looks from the many punters streaming out that anyone would actually be walking back IN to watch that shitshow. He ran back to our seat and luckily his hat was still there and he actually saw Simon Murray score our consolation goal whilst I stood outside cursing him, Mixu, Jackie, Thompson, Gunning, Demel, Paton, Rankin, Dillon, Durnan, McKay, Anier….
I was at Aberdeen away back in 1995 when you knew that was it and you realised that we were so shite that going down was inevitable. In 1995, because we had Celtic in the last game, you knew it was game over and could kind of accept it before it was confirmed (at least I did). However, Hamilton was even worse because as you all know reading this, the nightmare scenario was about to unfold.
Dundee: The Last, Last Stand. Then Collapse. Easily.
I sat and watched it in the house with the wee man. Eddie Ofere missing that chance to make it 2-0. The same old story unfolding in the last half an hour as we lose our foothold in the game. Me thowing an empty beer can at the tv when the winner went in and shouting, “FUCK OFF”. Him running up the stairs crying. Hartley dancing up the touchline as if he had achieved something. They cunts realising that they had finally caught the car they had been chasing all of their lives. Barry Robson and Lee Wilkie showing more anger and passion than any of the players had that season (Robson looked like he was going to explode). The poor cunts who had actually showed more balls than me and went to the game looking on in disbelief at not just the game, but what the fuck had been allowed to happen to this great football club in the space of just 18 months. I’ll tell you what, it allowed years of under-investment at youth levels to finally catch up. It sold all of its prime assets with no strategy in place to cope with it. It allowed itself to be taken in by a lazy charlatan with a ridiculously over-inflated opinion of his own abilities. It allowed Stevie Campbell to be punted even though he was almost single-handedly keeping the youth side of things producing. It threw good money after bad on shite player after shite player. It allowed managers to scout players on YouTube to save money and effort. It appointed a cheap option in Mixu when Tommy Wright (or Yogi Hughes) probably would have a) struck the right balance between the arm around the shoulder and the boot up the arse that the team needed and actually had some decent contacts in the game to sign the players we needed to keep us up in January. But most of all, allowing the Chairman to run the club by mobile phone from Café Nero in the Ferry (and this was the least of his transgressions). From European nights to relegation fights. Run the club into the ground that is.
As for Dundee:
Remember that when a dog finally catches a car it’s been chasing, it has no fucking idea what to do with it or what to do next.
Two final banter years classics were still to come though: Poor old Sean Dillon kicking the ball off his own face to score an OG (which was a fluke but still just summed up our luck that season) and secondly, no-one at the club knowing the rules about returning loan players being prevented from playing again for their parent clubs after a deadline has been passed leading to a 3 point deduction from a game we actually won and played well in. This summed up the shambolic organisation at the club. The punters who were there are still waiting on their refunds.
An uncertain future in the Championship with no manager, most of the squad thankfully leaving with him, a group of young players who had barely featured in the first team left over and most importantly, a club still crippled with debt despite the huge transfer income of the previous 3 years. Grim times. We had hit rock bottom (well until we found Csaba Laszlo hiding under the rocks anyway).
Remember, never trust your heroes.
Sorry if this has ruined a good weekend after Friday's win!
Mixu’s first game was against Hearts and all I can remember from the game was John Souttar getting played at right back, us lumping the ball at every opportunity to an invisible big striker (because we didn’t have one, Robbie Muirhead had turned up overweight at pre-season training and been punted out on loan to Partick by Jackie because of his attitude, clearly a lot of research had gone into this signing otherwise why would you sell your two best players on deadline day???) and we tried the continental style of goal kicks where the centre halves move to either side of the box whilst the holding midfielder drops short in between them and the keeper plays it short to one of them every time. This revolutionary tactic worked at least…… once (?) before Hearts cottoned onto it and pressed us really high trying to force a mistake as we tried to play it out from the back. A few months later I saw Germany do this against England in a friendly and England were just taking the ball off the Germans at will and causing panic stations every time the Germans had a goal kick. Now if this is happening to Kroos, Hummels and Rudiger you can just imagine the how many hearts were in mouths when Mark Durnan, Ryan McGowan and Aaron Kuhl were trying to do this. At least Mixu realised it wasn’t working and changed tactics during the game… No? Ok then by the next game? No? After a few games of it not working then? No???? We did it for months and it led to heart palpitations each and every time it happened. However, whilst he was oblivious to his own shite tactics, it didn’t take Mixu long to notice (two weeks to be precise) what everyone else had been saying for over 6 months and to give him his due, Mixu when he let it be known that he’d seen it, he said it with considerable aplomb:
“It was rubbish with a capital R. You can set out your tactics and prepare for the match but if you don’t do the basic things right then everything goes into the rubbish bin.
We did not do the things we had to in order to eliminate the quality and movement of Celtic players.
They are good players and they will hurt you.
After that I’m not surprised Dundee United are bottom of the league as we don’t get the basic things right, it’s as simple as that.”
But he wasn’t finished there:
https://www.balls.ie/football/mixu-paatelainen-whats-the-point-in-training-313692
https://twitter.com/Fyviesque/status/1026178601560027136
You see, Jackie had built a team in his own image: a team of tippy-tappy young lads who had been bummed up into believing their own hype (the best 5-a-side team you’ll ever play against). They had gotten accustomed to Jackie’s (rumoured) lax training regime and because society has moved on require constant reassurance, nurturing, encouragement and molly-coddling. No punishment, no criticism, never take any responsibility besides putting empty ‘We go again’ posts on social media usually accompanied by a meme of their favourite X-Factor contestant talking about how their pal is seriously ill with the cold or something and how brave they are. Mixu saw this and seemingly reacted exactly like most of us would have and in true Wee Jim style he absolutely tore their wee popstar, molly-coddled, lazy fucking heads off both in the dressing room and on the training pitch. But it is a different generation these days. The true greats at United always say that when the wee man treated them like this, they would kick back by proving him wrong on the park. Young kids nowadays react by blaming everyone but themselves, demanding retribution and then downing tools. Mixu was 100% right in what he said about the players. But, he was 100% wrong to do it in the way he did (and when he did it). From reading umpteen books about Shaun Ryder, one thing they all said was that going from smack to crack, like he did when the Mondays had their infamous recording session in Barbados for the disastrous album ‘Yes, Please!’ is the most dangerous move you can make due to them having the polar opposite effects. United had gone from one extreme to the other and the likelihood was that his relationship with the dressing room never even got started, let alone recovered from this point. Mixu also clearly knew this. It is telling that interviews for months after were lavish in their praise for the players, how hard they were training and working in games and how unlucky they were regardless of how shite they actually were (and they were REALLY shite more often than not). If anything he should have tried to gradually bring down their egos/restore the fragile confidence (if that makes sense) in the early months until he’d had time to put something of his own thoughts and methods on the team, then, if they still weren’t responding come out and boot their arses. Instead, it was actually left to Stephen Thompson to publicly let rip at them before the Hearts game in February when it was clear that Mixu had lost the dressing room and we were getting cut adrift. Hindsight eh? It’s a wonderful thing. Mixu if anything, was initially guilty of playing to the gallery, because loads of fans (myself included) were desperate to see the likes of Fraser, Telfer, Souttar, Spittal, Donaldson and Connolly get torn a new one.
What were the key matches in this unstoppable train wreck then?
St Johnstone and Hamilton in November: Can’t score at one end, can’t keep them out at the other
The whole month of November was a disaster. The Hibs and Aberdeen games showed major flaws weren’t getting rectified. Aberdeen’s second goal where they pass through us from their own box and no United player gets within 10-15 yards of them before Hayes cracks in a screamer was bad enough. However, getting schooled by a Championship team (even if it is Hibs) should have set major alarm bells ringing. I never went but was told by folk who were there that it was 3 going on 6 or 7 nil. However, for me the moment it really hit home that we were not getting out of this came in the St Johnstone and then particularly the Hamilton game a couple of weeks later. In both games we played much better after a change of shape to a back three. In both games we scored cracking team goals and seemed to have found a formation (3-4-2-1) that appeared to be getting the best out of a number of players (Telfer and Spittal in particular playing in behind McKay were carving them open at will). However, we missed a barrowload of chances, mainly one on ones. Billy McKay, having scored poachers goals all his career before and since playing for United couldn’t hit a coo in the erse with a banjo in these two games. We were still playing out from the back (although playing a back 3 made this style at little less scary as did having Gavin Gunning there who, when he was not being a complete idiot, was much more competent with the ball at his feet than our other centre halves) however, in both games the tactic became less effective when we were pressed either at the back or in midfield. Of course, Mixu doggedly stuck to the plan and we started to invite more and more pressure. This is the point where a big target man would have probably got us out of the shit since it would have given us a) a plan B and given the attacking midfielders something to play off of and b) an out ball when we were under pressure. McKay simply could not hold the ball up and obviously, because of his size, couldn’t win headers. I’ll stick my neck out even further. We might have stayed up if we had a proper focal point in the team because the shape and style we played in these games was actually half decent. But we didn’t, and in the St Johnstone game, two moments of slackness let them get ahead before half-time and they just shut-up-shop thereafter. The Hamilton game meanwhile, was like a microcosm of that season. The second half was like a slow lingering death where you knew what was coming as we retreated deeper and deeper and after the equaliser you just knew what was coming. The fact it was an own goal by Gunning summed the whole fucking thing up. You’d have been as well just picking the ball up and walking off at that point (😉) since regardless of what was going to happen the rest of the season, good or bad, we were going to shoot ourselves in the foot anyway to make sure we had fucked it up good and proper. There are many people who believe that this was the moment when we succumbed to the inevitable. Had we won this game after playing well, taking our many chances and showing we’d learned our lessons from the previous week, the confidence boost might have lifted us, given that time was still on our side. Instead, two draws and two defeats followed in December. It is worth mentioning that for most of these games another big issue was the keeper (Szromnik) was horrific and wouldn’t get a game for Tayport Juniors. The best description of him I heard was ‘Spaghetti Arms’.
Dundee and Celtic: Wire coat hanger down the Japs eye
At least a new goalie had been lined up. In October. A Japanese international no less. Registration issues meant we’d have to wait for him though. Two and a half MONTHS later he lined up against Dundee for his debut. A total fucking shambles. He looked like he’d never had to deal with crosses before. So of course, he was well suited to playing in Scotland then. He looked like he’d never played in the pissing rain on the first of January. So of course, he was well suited to playing in Scotland then. He added to our foreign legion of out-of-contract players consisting firstly of 55 year old Guy Demel. You know when you get into your 30’s and 40’s and take the odd game of football and for the first 15 minutes you get the old feeling back and look the business then reality kicks in? That was big Guy. We also signed Forent Sinima Pongolle who in another life played for Liverpool. I say another life, because he was about as fit as your average corpse. Why on earth Mixu (and Thompson) thought these clowns would get us out of the shit really does boggle the mind. Especially given that it wasn’t the first time United had made the mistake of recruiting foreigners totally unsuited to a Scottish relegation battle before. It was the third time in my lifetime in fact. Think Golac signing Sergio and Ferreryi in 1995 (whilst Falkirk signed Mo Johnston and Stevie Kirk who kept then up). Think Alex Smith (well probably Wee Jim actually) signing all those Hondurans and Argentinians to try and keep up with the Funsters back in 2000. The boys Mixu signed didn’t come cheap either. You are not telling me that if we’d properly scouted (e.g. tapped up) Scottish players from as soon as Mixu was appointed then thrown them that kind of money (Jamie MacDonald as a keeper was out of favour at Killie at that time for starters) then we might have got some boys who could have hit the ground running and actually knew how to play in a relegation battle in Scotland. This all sounds a bit #HARDBREXIT but it’s not. Foreign players work best being eased into a winning or at least comfortable team in my opinion. Dropping boys into a battle completely alien to them is not fair on anyone. Although, I heard a rumour that Mixu had a list of Scottish/British targets about a mile long and by the time the window opened they had all doubled their asking prices because they knew we were fucked so maybe it’s not entirely Mixu’s fault that he ended up shopping in the football equivalent of the bargain aisle of the Fintry Hap.
Anyway, after meekly losing from a winning position to Dundee we beat Airdrie in the Scottish Cup then played Celtic in the league at home on a Friday night. They were no great shakes at this point but didn’t have to work hard for their 4-1 win with who else but Gunning slipping and falling on his arse to gift Griffiths the first goal (although it should have been pulled up for a clear offside just beforehand), then losing his man at a corner for a free header. We actually scored a goal after that which underlined how poor Celtic were given that Souttar and Murray just strolled through them with ease. We lost another shite goal on the break before the moment came that sent my blood pressure through the roof. Celtic had a corner which hit the first man allowing Scott Fraser to break, at this point we were actually outnumbering them. However, Fraser basically ran like he was towing a caravan to the point that Kris Commons who remember was (and still is) a wee fat barrel and slow as fuck managed to catch him and get a tackle in. As the ball breaks John Souttar loses out in what looked like a 70-30 challenge in his favour. Commons’ meanwhile, has actually sprinted into our box untracked. Why? Because Fraser has stopped, ruffled his hair put his hands on his hips then trotted back about 3-4 steps at ¼ pace if you are lucky to the point where he is still well outside our box. The ball gets played in and they score. During the Banter Years our support has taken a real pasting from ex-players, pundits and fans of other teams alike. Players who played in this game have been some of the more vocal. Now maybe I don’t understand the intricacies and parallels of modern football but perhaps it is not too much to ask that when you get tackled THAT YOU MAKE SOME SORT OF FUCKING EFFORT TO TRACK BACK??? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? AM I BEING UNREASONABLE????? It would appear that giving up was preferable. We really were in the shit because when the wee man and I drove up the road after this game all they spoke about on Sportsound was how shite we were. That NEVER happens when you are playing Celtic. It was Tom English and Pat Bonner too. English (who I like) hit the nail on the head: “They play football in the wrong areas. They have no quality up front. Their work rate is abysmal.” He also slated Scott Fraser for the 4th goal (to be honest the description above is virtually verbatim for what English said on the radio. I can still remember it and it still make me angry thinking about it and how spot on he was) and it was a mixture of anger and astonishment that a player could just down tools so easily like that. Something had to happen now. Something unprecedented.
It’s the hope that Killies you
My memory is a bit hazy, but it turns out having checked back that a players clear-the-air meeting was what galvanised them into the best performance of the season and (to be fair) one of our top 50 performances of the decade. For some reason I thought it was the Stephen Thompson statement but that came a few weeks later. In actual fact, late January until early April wasn’t that bad in terms of results with some good/battling performances thrown in and some decent wins and draws. I’m pretty sure Mixu even won a manager of the month award in February. The Killie game stood out because we changed things up slightly changing from 3-4-2-1 to 3-4-1-2 which gave McKay a bit of support from Simon Murray. We still lacked a physical presence up front but at least Murray was a pest and never stopped harassing defenders. We also got Ryan Dow and Paul Paton back who had been injured all season. Although neither was a world-beater they both were upgrades on what had been playing before and Paton could at least get stuck in a bit. For Dowser meanwhile, it was a big season (couldn’t resist sorry). If Ryan Dow could play against Dundee every week he’d be regarded in the same bracket as Lionel Messi. As an Arab, this is on the one hand pleasing and on the other hand maddening. However, both were excellent in this game as was Blair Spittal playing at right wing back following the departure of Ryan McGowan to China which, has still not been officially announced on the club website. Sean Dillon played a one-two with himself to score the 5th goal. We had hope. Killie had the fear. Gordon Sawers had a pie supper and a rant. United were back.
A few weeks later after a draw and a win in the cup we played Motherwell midweek. This was a chance to almost close the gap on Killie. Mixu thought the best way to do this would be to string three defensive midfielders across the park with nobody to link up to the strikers. An absolutely stinking performance made even worse by the sight of Jimmy Gomis strolling it for Motherwell led to Stephen Thompson letting rip. Funnily enough I thought that it was Mixu who had fucked us in the Motherwell game rather than the players with his negative team selection (shades of Butcher, Powers and Harkes in the same midfield, only worse). But anyway, this was clearly the sign that panic had well and truly set in in the boardroom. Only a year too late. Most United fans could have told him we looked relegation candidates when we lost to Dundee at Dens the season before or in the humping from ICT at the end of that season when the Fed called for McNamara to be punted. The statement read as:
“As Chairman of the Club, I would like apologise to all Dundee United supporters for the abysmal performance last night against Motherwell. The current position at the bottom of the Ladbrokes Premiership is wholly unacceptable. It is not where Dundee United should be under any circumstance.”
Thompson accepted that some of the decisions made at boardroom level had also been “incorrect”, adding: “The board and myself have made certain decisions in the last eighteen months which in hindsight were incorrect but were made for the greater good of the Club and with the ambition of maintaining our position at the top of Scottish football, something we have done successfully for the last eight years. This included supporting a playing squad that commands the third highest wage bill in the Ladbrokes Premiership.”
“However, we have failed miserably on the pitch with only three wins in 25 league matches and an early exit from the League Cup. Performances such as last night simply cannot be tolerated. The current playing squad now have thirteen matches to preserve the Club’s premiership status and redeem their own professional reputations.”
Partick Thistle: The first last stand
It's fair to say that the club were now a laughing-stock.
There was a response though, with a Paton screamer and a much more committed performance against Hearts. We even signed a big target man in Eddie Ofere. He was actually decent in the air and fancied himself a bit on the deck. He was also blowing out of his arse after 45 minutes and was not seen again until the split. Outstanding stuff. Truly outstanding.
Following a rare win away to St Johnstone playing with 10 men plus Callum Morris at left back we still retained a wee glimmer of hope heading towards the split. We, unlike Killie, only had games against teams in the bottom half of the league left to play (Partick Thistle, ICT and Hamilton) before the split, therefore it was still in our hands that we could hopefully have a go at teams who were safe and had nothing to play for. Nearly 2000 headed through to Firhill less than a week before about 7000 headed to Hampden for the Scottish Cup semi-final. Incredible backing from a group of people who had been kicked so many times that season. I was at both. The Partick game saw us change formation to a back 4 of Knoyle (who was decent) Morris Gunning and Dixon, with a diamond in midfield of Demel, Paton Dow and Rankin with Anier and McKay. TBH, this was, on paper at least, the strongest (and most balanced) side we put out that season. Despite dominating the first half territorially and having loads of chances (all missed by Dow) you could just write the script on this one. They started to get back into the game until, you’ve guessed it, we shot ourselves in the foot with Dixon getting done far too easily and a simple cut back letting them in. Mixu meanwhile decided to ignore about 2000 people all screaming for Simon Murray to get put on to give us some urgency and pace and put on Ofere who still looked totally unfit. After the game Brian and I bumped into Twitter legend Huntedbyafreak who said it straight. That was it. We had blown our chance after getting back into things with the St Johnstone win. He knew it. I knew it. He said it was all about winning the Scottish Cup now.
Brainfart Interlude
Sandwiched in between the Partick game and the cup semi was a home game against Inverness. We started with the same team again, were shite and were beaten comfortably. Then this happened:
https://www.eveningtelegraph.co.uk/2016/06/29/gavin-gunning-speaks-first-time-handball-incident-dundee-united/
In the incident itself Gunning said he had felt his knee and that a long-standing nerve problem had flared up again, told Mixu he needed to come off, Mixu ordered him back on so Gunning walked on and picked the ball up as soon as he came back on. He then got absolute dogs abuse from the punters as he walked down the track and responded by sarcastically clapping them. I just stood shaking my head and wondering what the fuck was going on at this football club given that just 6 years earlier we had won the Scottish Cup with a team that was the most well-drilled in the league and probably the best non-Old Firm team in Scotland since the millennium.
I wonder if one day Gavin Gunning will look back on his career and wonder what might have been. He partnered Shane Duffy at centre half for both Blackburn Rovers and the Republic of Ireland at various youth levels and was really highly rated. You’d have to imagine that because Gunning was left-footed that he probably stood the greater chance of progressing further in the game. Duffy is now playing in the Premiership and in full internationals whilst Gunning is playing for Solihull Motors. His knee problem is rumoured to have originated from an attempt to sneak through the backies in Tofthill, Lochee through a closie so he could sneak into the bookies undetected to avoid spies that Jackie McNamara had put in place, concerned about Gunnings serious liking for betting on the Gee-Gees. Gunning seemingly jumped over a fence into what he believed was the next door’s back garden, however, the owner of the property had dug a huge hole which Gunning had unavoidably fallen into, nuking his knee. The next time he was seen again at Tannadice was playing for Morton against us in the Championship where of course he absolutely strolled it as Morton beat the Cszambles XI comfortably. Another Banter Years classic.
Hampden Horror Show
A shite cup semi-final defeat followed where we should have won the game comfortably following the shocking revelation that Callum Morris was not a left back after all. We dominated from about 30 minutes onwards after Morris was substituted. Hibs were out on their feet in extra time. Billy McKay missed about 100 one-on-ones with a big fat cunt in the goal. Coll Donaldson demanded to get subbied when there was fuck all really wrong with him and had a shouting match with Mixu who was telling him to get back on (deja vu from the previous week). Simon Murray didn’t get stripped because Mixu preferred Pongolle (the game was crying out for Murray too) so just left and went home on one of the supporters buses leaving the club hanging around wondering where he had gone after the game, Paul Paton had a shouting match with punters in the stand at the end whilst a now fit and healthy Coll Donaldson was high-fiving the Hibs players after the penalty shoot-out and United fans were fighting amongst themselves after the game in the car park.
It is incredible to think that this was not actually the lowest point of the season yet.
Hamilton: The Real Ending
This was the point I gave up. No miracle, no fluke, no collapse by Killie was saving us because regardless of the fact it was still mathematically possible with the split and Killie still to play, we were beyond saving. I should have known this wasn’t happening given that I had planned to have a couple of pints before and after the game so was getting the bus instead of taking the car. The bus never actually turned up so we ended up having to walk back home to pick up the car instead, only to pass the bus, now a full 40 minutes late coming out of the next junction on the dual carriageway. Due to this, we barely made the kick-off, let alone the pub. I wonder if Stephen Thompson and Mixu had been allowed to run the bus service that day as well as the club because both were a fucking shambles. Guy Demel and Paul Dixon, both of whom had played well after coming on as substitutes in the semi-final started. Demel in particular had strolled it at centre half. Both of course were diabolical in the Hamilton game. And this was probably the thing which stood out in this season; the way players would look decent for one or two games, people would then think that that player had ‘cracked it’ so to speak and put in some consistent performances but instead they would proceed to play shite for the next 3-4 games only to be replaced by someone else who would repeat the same cycle. Ultimately this is what done us, inconsistency and a lack of genuine quality. The younger ones like Spittal and Donaldson were capable of looking decent for a couple of games but would then look pish and completely ineffectual for the next 6. Boys like Demel, Dixon (Mk2) and Dillon were past-it whilst ones like Rankin, Dow and Paton simply weren’t good enough to carry a team by themselves without the quality that had surrounded them in previous seasons. This is the difference between them and boys we had playing for us over the early part of Bipolar Years: the Robertson’s, Armstrongs, the GMS’s, the Daly’s, the Goodwillie’s and the Russell’s, Sean Dillon and Paul Dixon (Mrk 1) etc.. They would put in 6-7 good performances then have 1 or 2 off-days. Why? because they had quality, a work-ethic and professionalism whilst the players Jackie had brought in to replace them were frankly: shite, popstars, finished or crocked. I said to Alex after their third goal went in, “Let’s go, I can’t take this anymore. We’ll not be going to Dens either.” But of course, to cap a truly shite day, as we were walking along Dundonald Street the wee man realised he’d left his hat at the game. Cue tears and us having to walk back to Tannadice and funny looks from the many punters streaming out that anyone would actually be walking back IN to watch that shitshow. He ran back to our seat and luckily his hat was still there and he actually saw Simon Murray score our consolation goal whilst I stood outside cursing him, Mixu, Jackie, Thompson, Gunning, Demel, Paton, Rankin, Dillon, Durnan, McKay, Anier….
I was at Aberdeen away back in 1995 when you knew that was it and you realised that we were so shite that going down was inevitable. In 1995, because we had Celtic in the last game, you knew it was game over and could kind of accept it before it was confirmed (at least I did). However, Hamilton was even worse because as you all know reading this, the nightmare scenario was about to unfold.
Dundee: The Last, Last Stand. Then Collapse. Easily.
I sat and watched it in the house with the wee man. Eddie Ofere missing that chance to make it 2-0. The same old story unfolding in the last half an hour as we lose our foothold in the game. Me thowing an empty beer can at the tv when the winner went in and shouting, “FUCK OFF”. Him running up the stairs crying. Hartley dancing up the touchline as if he had achieved something. They cunts realising that they had finally caught the car they had been chasing all of their lives. Barry Robson and Lee Wilkie showing more anger and passion than any of the players had that season (Robson looked like he was going to explode). The poor cunts who had actually showed more balls than me and went to the game looking on in disbelief at not just the game, but what the fuck had been allowed to happen to this great football club in the space of just 18 months. I’ll tell you what, it allowed years of under-investment at youth levels to finally catch up. It sold all of its prime assets with no strategy in place to cope with it. It allowed itself to be taken in by a lazy charlatan with a ridiculously over-inflated opinion of his own abilities. It allowed Stevie Campbell to be punted even though he was almost single-handedly keeping the youth side of things producing. It threw good money after bad on shite player after shite player. It allowed managers to scout players on YouTube to save money and effort. It appointed a cheap option in Mixu when Tommy Wright (or Yogi Hughes) probably would have a) struck the right balance between the arm around the shoulder and the boot up the arse that the team needed and actually had some decent contacts in the game to sign the players we needed to keep us up in January. But most of all, allowing the Chairman to run the club by mobile phone from Café Nero in the Ferry (and this was the least of his transgressions). From European nights to relegation fights. Run the club into the ground that is.
As for Dundee:
Remember that when a dog finally catches a car it’s been chasing, it has no fucking idea what to do with it or what to do next.
Two final banter years classics were still to come though: Poor old Sean Dillon kicking the ball off his own face to score an OG (which was a fluke but still just summed up our luck that season) and secondly, no-one at the club knowing the rules about returning loan players being prevented from playing again for their parent clubs after a deadline has been passed leading to a 3 point deduction from a game we actually won and played well in. This summed up the shambolic organisation at the club. The punters who were there are still waiting on their refunds.
An uncertain future in the Championship with no manager, most of the squad thankfully leaving with him, a group of young players who had barely featured in the first team left over and most importantly, a club still crippled with debt despite the huge transfer income of the previous 3 years. Grim times. We had hit rock bottom (well until we found Csaba Laszlo hiding under the rocks anyway).
Remember, never trust your heroes.
Sorry if this has ruined a good weekend after Friday's win!
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