Is a 62 a sexual position? If not, it surely is now around Dundee.
After the unprecedented positive response to the last blog I had absolutely no idea whatsoever to write about in the new one, had no timescale and basically it all felt a bit Second Coming-esque. Why not write about our great start to the season you miserable get? Aye ok, but it's a lot harder to write about stuff when there's not really anything new to say or point out that hasn't already been said. However, the spark was well and truly lit last night. Someone texted me last night about half 11 saying they were fully erect (about the match). I suspect they weren't the only one. Husbands and wives must've wondered what had hit them last night when their other halves got back from the game. Anyway, I'm going to start with last night and work my way back.
I never get excited about derbies. I just get an overwhelming feeling of dread mostly and this extends right into the match usually. Even when we were 6-2 up (the other 6-2) I was still bricking it. The thought of Dee's giving me pelters in work (bairns mostly, the adults are surprisingly pragmatic about it) is torture. Nowhere to run or hide when you are a teacher. Especially when you are a teacher who builds his whole act (and teaching is an act, often Oscar worthy) on dishing it out to the wee wido's that frequent my work then it's an inevitable consequence that at some point, you are going to have to take it back, in spades. Anyway, what did I think about last night? I thoroughly enjoyed it for the most part which is most unusual. Although it has to be said, it was a strange game that could probably be split into four phases, so different from each other that you'd be forgiven for thinking you were watching a compilation of the four derby games across a season rather than single match.
Phase 1: The opening 25 minutes was typical derby fare. Proper end to end stuff and must have been a brilliant spectacle on the tv with an amazing atmosphere. In my last blog I absolutely slated the quality of our passing in the Hearts game. However, it has been ironed out by the looks of things because when we got the ball down and played we looked more assured and purposeful than I've seen from a United team for years. We scored from the first set-piece we actually got right since all the others were either over or under-hit. The elation was short-lived. Their disallowed goal was seemingly onside but it was hard to see from where I was sitting. I actually just sat and sighed, gazing across at the away end wondering if I had mistakenly turned up at the World Cup Final given the reaction and the scenes that were unfolding, only to be almost awoken out of my slumber by the young lad leaping out of his seat cheering wildly (ahead of anyone else I think in the entire home end) and shouting, "He's disallowed it!" Magic. Disappointing then that we did not heed the warnings given that they scored a legitimate goal pretty soon after (despite Connolly protesting for a foul to mask the fact he had lost his man). What I will say, is at this point is that Dundee were playing well and carved us open several times. From midfield to front they are a decent side. Jamie Ness is a good player in midfield but clearly has no engine and has been dogged by fitness issues which has probably been the reason his career in England was a constant downward spiral. I saw him play for DEADCO when he was a kid and thought he looked exceptional. The two up front are grafters and caused Connolly and Reynolds a lot of problems with their 'physicality' (or in Hemmings case, non-stop fouling). This was not helped by Connolly (who has had a good start to the season) reverting back to the Connolly of last season; wrestling rather than just attacking the ball in the air, throwing himself down to try and get fouls (often holding his face to try and get opponents booked which I hate) and blaming everything that goes wrong on the ref. Reynolds was also allowing himself to get pulled out to the full back areas too easily allowing Todd or Johnston to run in behind him. I would also say though, that when United had the ball in this phase we looked like we were going to create something every time we attacked and that their defence was ten times worse than ours. A tale of two bad defences.
Phase 2: I thought I'd seen enough from United over the years to know a thing or two about defensive brain-farts. Zonal marking, Barry Douglas dribbling across his own box, Gavin Gunning, Coll Donaldson (just because). But it turns out that I hadn't really seen proper brain-farts at all. Or at least not of the bluenose variety. I'll say one thing about Dundee, they really do fuck-ups miles better than us. To put how bad they were into context: on Sunday, my young lad's team were winning their game but kept getting caught out at set pieces and from failing to deal with high balls. My young lad is huge and one of the other lads who plays at the back is fairly tall as well but neither of them (or anyone else in his under 12's team bar one player) wants to header a ball. Somehow they only lost one goal during a spell of pressure but it was painful to watch people duck rather than header it or trying to volley balls instead, which mines does (I practise heading with him too). I eventually had a bit of a shout which I 100% know I shouldn't do although it was more for the coaches benefit since they never work on heading with them at training and it does my box in. However, Forfar Boys Under 12's defending of set-pieces was still better than Dundee's. I suspect they were so concerned with Shankland that they never bothered to really prepare for anyone else. It was great to see Louis Appere get a goal from one of these set-pieces. He's been a revelation, an overnight success story and (probably) saved Mark Ogren the cost of a target man which I said we were crying out for. Declan McDaid's foul for the penalty was a brain-fart of gold-medal winning proportions and thon Forster at the back for them is a Fun legend in making. Why did all of this come about? Connolly coming off injured, Butcher going back and Harkes coming on as well as a change of shape from 4-4-2 to 4-2-3-1 (surely not!) with Appere going wide left and Pawlett coming inside. Dundee couldn't handle Pawlett whilst the Butcher just smashed Hemmings out the road the first time the ball was played up to him and he was never seen again in the game. That, boys and girls, is how it should be done. Oh aye, and Ian Harkes scored a goal which at the time looked like a nailed on goal of the season but it turned out it hit the book-end Forster and went in. I still about shot my load when it hit the back of the net mind you. Game over.
Phase 3 started as a 10 minute lull where they had the ball but were doing nothing with it but then gradually started to become more threatening, winning loads of corners. We stood up to this well and actually their second goal was a clever bit of play which caught us out followed by a good ball from McGowan (who played well when he came on, tbh I was surprised he didn't start due to his pantomime villain status with all decent human beings). After that Neilson clearly decided enough was enough, and made a clever change (taking a knackered Shankland off) which led to Phase 4: us looking like we were going to pick them off at will as Appere, restored back up top, started running at their by now, knackered defence. We did pick them off, with Cammy Smith (remember him?) grabbing number 6 (this one, not the other one). Will he be immortalised in song? He almost got number 7 too. I had thoughts of,
"I think I'm in heaven, Cammy Smith, he scored number seven." (Copyright pending).
Ach well.
You know, this, I was going to speak about the other games this season but ultimately, everyone seen them. We were great against Inverness (leaving me looking like a complete tit after losing my shit online upon seeing Nicky Clark was to be playing left midfield, he did well as it turns out, driving inside to make an extra forward which completely confused them), dug it out against Partick on the tv, took a massive crowd and were great against Dunfermline (I watched it online through the wonders of a VPN and £7.50). We are top. There is a gap already. We look like a title winning team for the first time. Neilson has done well to turn it around from the East Fife game and it now looks like we were building towards the league in those Betfred Cup games. Whatever he did to inspire Hearts in the Championship looks like it might be happening here. Ogren's investments in all aspects of the club are gradually starting to take effect: off the park the stadium is looking better, the ticketing is good, the strips are great, the reveals have been great (although Arabzone and the communication are still weak imho), on the park: the fitness and strength levels look unrecognisable from previous seasons, there is a confidence on the park and last night it finally appeared that the club and support woke up from 4 and a half years of feeling sorry for themselves (I said this after the Hibs game when Andreu scored a penalty though I should have known that was a false dawn given that Thompson was still in charge and the club was a basket case (Cafe Nero fiddled while Rome burned)). It all feels totally different now. Last night, walking back to the car I reminded my young lad who has had to put up with four years of disappointments, terrible football and seeing me clearly hurting (but never once complained, he's an absolute trooper) that I had said it would get better. Last night it did. If it is true, it's him I'm happy for, not me. I've had enough good times following United to last a lifetime but he's had a really shit deal. Can we do it this time? I hope to fuck we can. I think we can. We are better than everyone else in this league, I am 100% sure of that after last night. To quote Twitter's most caustic voice: "We can all now watch the most interesting battle of the season: Dundee United versus the self-destruct button." It's true. The man who wrote it deals in facts and facts only.
The only way is up... Maybe. It's me and me now.
PS Since everyone does after credits scenes these days can I mention that the highlight of the night was not beating them 6-2 again, the pitch invasion at the disallowed goal, Willie Miller saying online that Dundee had been the better team in the game (the score was 5-2 us at the time). No, the best bit was listening to Sportsound in the car driving home and hearing John Robertson's interview after ICT spanked Morton 5-0 (impressive). As Robertson was getting interviewed he was virtually drowned out throughout the interview by the sound of David Hopkin giving the Morton players an absolute bollocking. Me and the wee man were fucking pissing ourselves listening to it as Wee Robbo clearly struggled to play it straight with the bedlam going on in the background. Fuck Hopkin, anti-football cunt. Shed rule.
After the unprecedented positive response to the last blog I had absolutely no idea whatsoever to write about in the new one, had no timescale and basically it all felt a bit Second Coming-esque. Why not write about our great start to the season you miserable get? Aye ok, but it's a lot harder to write about stuff when there's not really anything new to say or point out that hasn't already been said. However, the spark was well and truly lit last night. Someone texted me last night about half 11 saying they were fully erect (about the match). I suspect they weren't the only one. Husbands and wives must've wondered what had hit them last night when their other halves got back from the game. Anyway, I'm going to start with last night and work my way back.
I never get excited about derbies. I just get an overwhelming feeling of dread mostly and this extends right into the match usually. Even when we were 6-2 up (the other 6-2) I was still bricking it. The thought of Dee's giving me pelters in work (bairns mostly, the adults are surprisingly pragmatic about it) is torture. Nowhere to run or hide when you are a teacher. Especially when you are a teacher who builds his whole act (and teaching is an act, often Oscar worthy) on dishing it out to the wee wido's that frequent my work then it's an inevitable consequence that at some point, you are going to have to take it back, in spades. Anyway, what did I think about last night? I thoroughly enjoyed it for the most part which is most unusual. Although it has to be said, it was a strange game that could probably be split into four phases, so different from each other that you'd be forgiven for thinking you were watching a compilation of the four derby games across a season rather than single match.
Phase 1: The opening 25 minutes was typical derby fare. Proper end to end stuff and must have been a brilliant spectacle on the tv with an amazing atmosphere. In my last blog I absolutely slated the quality of our passing in the Hearts game. However, it has been ironed out by the looks of things because when we got the ball down and played we looked more assured and purposeful than I've seen from a United team for years. We scored from the first set-piece we actually got right since all the others were either over or under-hit. The elation was short-lived. Their disallowed goal was seemingly onside but it was hard to see from where I was sitting. I actually just sat and sighed, gazing across at the away end wondering if I had mistakenly turned up at the World Cup Final given the reaction and the scenes that were unfolding, only to be almost awoken out of my slumber by the young lad leaping out of his seat cheering wildly (ahead of anyone else I think in the entire home end) and shouting, "He's disallowed it!" Magic. Disappointing then that we did not heed the warnings given that they scored a legitimate goal pretty soon after (despite Connolly protesting for a foul to mask the fact he had lost his man). What I will say, is at this point is that Dundee were playing well and carved us open several times. From midfield to front they are a decent side. Jamie Ness is a good player in midfield but clearly has no engine and has been dogged by fitness issues which has probably been the reason his career in England was a constant downward spiral. I saw him play for DEADCO when he was a kid and thought he looked exceptional. The two up front are grafters and caused Connolly and Reynolds a lot of problems with their 'physicality' (or in Hemmings case, non-stop fouling). This was not helped by Connolly (who has had a good start to the season) reverting back to the Connolly of last season; wrestling rather than just attacking the ball in the air, throwing himself down to try and get fouls (often holding his face to try and get opponents booked which I hate) and blaming everything that goes wrong on the ref. Reynolds was also allowing himself to get pulled out to the full back areas too easily allowing Todd or Johnston to run in behind him. I would also say though, that when United had the ball in this phase we looked like we were going to create something every time we attacked and that their defence was ten times worse than ours. A tale of two bad defences.
Phase 2: I thought I'd seen enough from United over the years to know a thing or two about defensive brain-farts. Zonal marking, Barry Douglas dribbling across his own box, Gavin Gunning, Coll Donaldson (just because). But it turns out that I hadn't really seen proper brain-farts at all. Or at least not of the bluenose variety. I'll say one thing about Dundee, they really do fuck-ups miles better than us. To put how bad they were into context: on Sunday, my young lad's team were winning their game but kept getting caught out at set pieces and from failing to deal with high balls. My young lad is huge and one of the other lads who plays at the back is fairly tall as well but neither of them (or anyone else in his under 12's team bar one player) wants to header a ball. Somehow they only lost one goal during a spell of pressure but it was painful to watch people duck rather than header it or trying to volley balls instead, which mines does (I practise heading with him too). I eventually had a bit of a shout which I 100% know I shouldn't do although it was more for the coaches benefit since they never work on heading with them at training and it does my box in. However, Forfar Boys Under 12's defending of set-pieces was still better than Dundee's. I suspect they were so concerned with Shankland that they never bothered to really prepare for anyone else. It was great to see Louis Appere get a goal from one of these set-pieces. He's been a revelation, an overnight success story and (probably) saved Mark Ogren the cost of a target man which I said we were crying out for. Declan McDaid's foul for the penalty was a brain-fart of gold-medal winning proportions and thon Forster at the back for them is a Fun legend in making. Why did all of this come about? Connolly coming off injured, Butcher going back and Harkes coming on as well as a change of shape from 4-4-2 to 4-2-3-1 (surely not!) with Appere going wide left and Pawlett coming inside. Dundee couldn't handle Pawlett whilst the Butcher just smashed Hemmings out the road the first time the ball was played up to him and he was never seen again in the game. That, boys and girls, is how it should be done. Oh aye, and Ian Harkes scored a goal which at the time looked like a nailed on goal of the season but it turned out it hit the book-end Forster and went in. I still about shot my load when it hit the back of the net mind you. Game over.
Phase 3 started as a 10 minute lull where they had the ball but were doing nothing with it but then gradually started to become more threatening, winning loads of corners. We stood up to this well and actually their second goal was a clever bit of play which caught us out followed by a good ball from McGowan (who played well when he came on, tbh I was surprised he didn't start due to his pantomime villain status with all decent human beings). After that Neilson clearly decided enough was enough, and made a clever change (taking a knackered Shankland off) which led to Phase 4: us looking like we were going to pick them off at will as Appere, restored back up top, started running at their by now, knackered defence. We did pick them off, with Cammy Smith (remember him?) grabbing number 6 (this one, not the other one). Will he be immortalised in song? He almost got number 7 too. I had thoughts of,
"I think I'm in heaven, Cammy Smith, he scored number seven." (Copyright pending).
Ach well.
You know, this, I was going to speak about the other games this season but ultimately, everyone seen them. We were great against Inverness (leaving me looking like a complete tit after losing my shit online upon seeing Nicky Clark was to be playing left midfield, he did well as it turns out, driving inside to make an extra forward which completely confused them), dug it out against Partick on the tv, took a massive crowd and were great against Dunfermline (I watched it online through the wonders of a VPN and £7.50). We are top. There is a gap already. We look like a title winning team for the first time. Neilson has done well to turn it around from the East Fife game and it now looks like we were building towards the league in those Betfred Cup games. Whatever he did to inspire Hearts in the Championship looks like it might be happening here. Ogren's investments in all aspects of the club are gradually starting to take effect: off the park the stadium is looking better, the ticketing is good, the strips are great, the reveals have been great (although Arabzone and the communication are still weak imho), on the park: the fitness and strength levels look unrecognisable from previous seasons, there is a confidence on the park and last night it finally appeared that the club and support woke up from 4 and a half years of feeling sorry for themselves (I said this after the Hibs game when Andreu scored a penalty though I should have known that was a false dawn given that Thompson was still in charge and the club was a basket case (Cafe Nero fiddled while Rome burned)). It all feels totally different now. Last night, walking back to the car I reminded my young lad who has had to put up with four years of disappointments, terrible football and seeing me clearly hurting (but never once complained, he's an absolute trooper) that I had said it would get better. Last night it did. If it is true, it's him I'm happy for, not me. I've had enough good times following United to last a lifetime but he's had a really shit deal. Can we do it this time? I hope to fuck we can. I think we can. We are better than everyone else in this league, I am 100% sure of that after last night. To quote Twitter's most caustic voice: "We can all now watch the most interesting battle of the season: Dundee United versus the self-destruct button." It's true. The man who wrote it deals in facts and facts only.
The only way is up... Maybe. It's me and me now.
PS Since everyone does after credits scenes these days can I mention that the highlight of the night was not beating them 6-2 again, the pitch invasion at the disallowed goal, Willie Miller saying online that Dundee had been the better team in the game (the score was 5-2 us at the time). No, the best bit was listening to Sportsound in the car driving home and hearing John Robertson's interview after ICT spanked Morton 5-0 (impressive). As Robertson was getting interviewed he was virtually drowned out throughout the interview by the sound of David Hopkin giving the Morton players an absolute bollocking. Me and the wee man were fucking pissing ourselves listening to it as Wee Robbo clearly struggled to play it straight with the bedlam going on in the background. Fuck Hopkin, anti-football cunt. Shed rule.
Yeah just about sums up the perfect evening, well weekend really. I'm still buzzing too.
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